Strapped For Cash? Try Cat Whispering

During the past week, I have been stripping wallpaper. It turns out it isn't as exotic and fun as it sounds. I even tried to make it into a little game by rewarding myself with a beer after each two foot strip removed. It worked for two days, then I realized I could drink beer whenever I wanted and I wouldn't have the sore wrist and shoulder. As I was stripping the wallpaper I thought, "I need a summer hobby. Perhaps becoming a cat whisperer." I've been watching this show on TV called Dogs in the City which is about a guy in New York who counsels people about what to do with their out of control dogs. I was thinking about the show when I came up with the best idea ever. What if I did Cats in the City- the city being the metropolis of Fargo-Moorhead. I toyed with the idea of being a pet psychic for years, but that would imply I'd be willing to work with any pet, which would be untrue. I don't like birds, they are evil flying rats. Obviously I don't like mice or rats. Or any type or rodent actually. They are rodents. They want to gnaw on things and climb. I'd have to tell the owners, "Your rat is worried he will become snake food. Or have to wear mascara in his eyes." I also don't like ferrets which are really weasels. They smell bad and are sneaky. Don't even get me started on snakes. I wouldn't even come within 500 yards of them. So basically, the only pets I'd work with are cats, dogs, fish, (pet fish-not lake fish) and rabbits. Therefore, I came up with my idea of cat whispering. All you'd have to do is tell the owners what they want to hear, or what is painfully obvious. Costumer- "Boots cries when I leave." I'd tell them, "Boots tells me she misses you terribly during the day. Is there any way you can work from home, or buy her a cat sill so she can look outside?" Costumer- "Fluffy hisses at my new boyfriend.." I would say, "Fluffy doesn't like to share your attention," or if I wanted to mess with them I'd say, "Fluffy is very perceptive and knows this guy is not for you." Costumer- "Tabby doesn't like the new baby, kitten, dog, etc..." I would say, "Tabby tells me she wanted to be an only child." Costumer- "Sassy keeps hiding." Me- "Sassy hides because that is not his real name, and TOM doesn't like when you dress him up in pink baby sleepers." I would even let people communicate with their dead cats, "I'm getting the felling Muffin is with us now. Muffin tells me he is in a better place. It's the cat lady's house down the block. He eats liver and tuna for every meal. Muffin also wants you to know it wasn't him who kept peeing in the laundry basket- it was the dog. Oh and he wants you to give me a big tip." See I would totally be a natural! 

Thoughts that I think: People who go camping must like to pretend they are homeless.  

My Pets

Well I took all three dogs to the vet. Actually Sam got to go by himself two weeks before the other two because he had an ear infection. Abby was not a fan of this plan. She pouted and punished us by hiding for three days for not bringing her along. Sam was very well behaved, and our estimated "16 pound dog" (so says the liquor store dog peddler) is really 48 pounds. I have a student who weighs less than him. He had his check-up, shots and other than the ear infection, he's perfectly healthy. He was scared of the kitten peeking around the corner and he had to hide behind me though. Who would have thought the free-liquor-store dog would be the best behaved, and most healthy? I brought Max and Abby to the vet last week. Abby was not a good puppy. She whined, peed on the floor, and carried on. She is a whopping 17.5 pounds. Since she is suppose to be closer to 12 pounds, she's quite over-weight. Her teeth are awful. She has to be knocked out to get them cleaned, x-rayed and some pulled. She also has cataracts. Not to self- Before buying a dog that costs more than the house and car payment added together, you should really do your homework and find out the parent's health. But hey- we don't even know WHAT Sam's parents were and he's healthy as a horse! Abby-is sicker than a...well- dog. So poor Abby has to go on a diet, and get her teeth cleaned. Max was pretty well behaved. He just wanted to hide under my chair and wouldn't take the treat from the vet, "My mama says don't take treats from strangers" says Maxie. He's over-weight too. He is 21.3 pounds and he should be 16. Poor Maxie. He also has to be knocked out and have his teeth cleaned too, but not pulled thank goodness. So, for three days I had the dogs on a diet. They got three cups of food, and given 15 minutes to eat in the morning and 15 to eat for supper. Usually they get four cups of food to graze on all day. The food rationing was NOT a good idea. Apparently you shouldn't put dogs who can catch their own food on a diet. Sam caught a bird. By the time we realized it, only feet and head were left. Now I have to treat them all for worms. I should have known better. When Sammy was less than a year old, he caught a squirrel and brought it into the house and dropped it at my feet- then ran to hide when I screamed bloody murder. That same summer he caught a bird and carried it around the back-yard as if it were some great prize.

 "I thought you were done with that pizza. "

"I too drunk to exercise mama"

"Pick me! Pick ME!"

This morning Maxie peed IN my school bag. I wonder if it's his way of telling me he hates the sight of that bag- it means he'll be locked up and lonely for 8 hours, or he was sick of me paying too much attention to the books in it and not enough attention to him.

Thoughts I think: "This is the most flattering, comfortable bra." Said no woman. Ever.

Older

Today on Facebook one of my friends posted photos of his mother's retirement from my Alma Mater, Atkinson Elementary. He had pictures of all of my old elementary teachers, I use the word old literally.  Good Lord they are OLD!! I didn't even recognize most of them. I could see a shell of their younger self, if I squinted and looked at it in my peripheral vision. My third grade teacher is of course 30-years-older, but I could not pick her out in a crowd. However, finding the librarian was spot on! Mrs. Majaka was 107 thirty years ago, and she still is. The man who I thank silently (out loud if I'm alone) for teaching me to drive every time I parallel park looks much too old to drive a car now. My favorite elementary teacher, Mr. Kragness, looks so old I would never pick him out in a crowd- or in the nursing home. Even my "almost mother-in-law" was unrecognizable. Maybe it was just because she didn't have her hands out like she was about to choke me to death. How could they have aged so much in the last 20 years? I didn't. I also don't understand how soap opera actors/actresses don't age. Seriously! Victor Newman was old when I was a small child, 30 years later, he is still having babies! Mrs. Chancellor was "old lady Chancellor in 1980- she's still alive. Maybe her and Mrs. Majaka drink from the same fountain of youth.Not all actors are as lucky. Danny Romalotti was super hot when I was five-years-old, but now he's a very creepy looking 60-year-old. I don't understand why people have to age so dramatically. I think you should be able to pick an age in looks and "lock it in". I would have picked 33. Or 19. I was thinner at 19, but my school picture at the age of 33 is my favorite. When I was at my uncles funeral last weekend, I kept looking at everyone and thinking, "when was it that you got so old?" My cousins tell me I should still be 6-years-old (they are much older than me), I look at them and think 'when did you turn into your dad?' It's like one day I woke up and boom! Every one is bald, wrinkly, and grey. Weird.
Thoughts that I think:
I want a new dog so I can name him "Stay". I'll say, "come here Stay" and he will get all confused. :)

Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents

Well, I've been avoiding this question since I copied it down from a friend's blog. In one word, I'd say that word would be "complicated". It's difficult to have a relationship with my mom without being the creepy guy in Psycho. I still wish I could talk to her- and she'd answer back. I write a letter to her every year and bring it to the cemetery. I miss my mom a lot. I wish I knew at the time of her death that I am more like her than I wanted to admit. I little bit of me always hoped I was adopted, or found on the side of the road. This weekend I was in Barnesville and saw the mother of my neighbor friend growing up. She knows both my mom and dad's sides of the family. I know she thinks I inherited all of the bad traits from both sides, something I also was convinced of until about a year ago. As I talked to her about her kids my mom's very words echoed in my head, "trust her just as far as you can throw her..." I had to giggle a little knowing she was right. Growing up I would always be sad when mean girls were nasty to me and mom would say, "who cares. If they don't like you, you don't need them." At the time I was angry because she wasn't even trying to understand me. Now I realize what she was saying because I say the same thing to my kids. My mom loved to read and was really smart. I got that from her. She would never sit still, always had to be doing something. I got that from her too. She might not have been the perfect mom, but she taught me what, along with what not, to do. When Noah was born she was very, very sick. In fact she didn't know why I was in the hospital, or who the baby was when they came to see us. I felt so cheated. How was she supposed to teach me to be a mom. Then I realized she did. For 28 years. I still miss her every day. I wonder what she would tell me. I wonder if she's watching me live my life and what she thinks. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized by just being her, she made my dad a much better person. She made him appreciate his kids and grandchild. She made him empathetic, caring, and thoughtful. Now he is not. Now he's very much like his new wife; easily offended, self-centered and basically doesn't want anything to do with me, my sister or my children. He actually told Noah on his birthday, "This is the last year I'll like you." (being he's 12 and dad doesn't like teen-agers). What a dumb thing to say. It would be different if they had a relationship, but coming from someone whom you suspect doesn't like you in the first place? He's blown off all of our birthdays. He lives 20 minutes away and I get invited to his house once a year. We DO NOT go there uninvited. All of us learned that the hard way. For a long time I thought I did something wrong, or the boys (at the ages of 2 and 4) did something wrong. I know he's the one who is missing out, but it really feels like the boys and I am. Noah and Ethan constantly ask me why grandpa doesn't like them. Noah asked if he would be a different person if grandpa still liked him. That breaks my heart. I've tried talking to him about it, but his wife is screeching in the back-ground, "What's wrong with her? Is she crazy like her mother?!" I also know if I talk to him, he'd never understand where I am coming from. So there you have it. I'll leave you with... Wait for it...

Thought of the day: Student, "Why do we have to learn synonyms?" Me- "When you can't spell a word, you can think of one you CAN spell."

I Am Middle Aged

In the last 9 months I've lost three relatives. Two uncles and a grandma, and I'm about to lose another uncle because he's knockin' on death's door. I know people get old and die. But as I get older, my concept of "old" gets older and older. Time changes too. When I think of 10 years ago I say "Oh it was 1996 and Forrest Gump just came out"... Except 10 years ago was 2002 and I had a 2-year-old and was pregnant.  I remember thinking 30 was old, and that wasn't long ago at all. For the past ten years, I've used my dad's current age as the sliding scale of "old" because he can't be old. Ten years ago he was 66, so 68 was old. Now he is 77 and I've decided 90 is "old". Maybe it's the reality of my dad ageing and I don't want to face his impending end. He can't die until at least ten years after his wife dies. I have to 1) say my peace to him, and 2) live in the bliss of his realization of ignoring his lovely daughter and awesome grandsons, and his redemption to earn our forgiveness. I can't do either of those until she kicks the bucket. I was not close to my uncle, Lloyd, who died but it's really bothering me. Lloyd was a "loner", and they expect 30 people at his funeral. That scares the shit out of me. I worry, and strongly suspect, if I were to die tomorrow 30 people wouldn't come to my funeral. If it was during Superbowl weekend the three people I live with wouldn't even come. It just makes me so sad. A whole life and only 30 people to celebrate it. My dad and Lloyd didn't get along because my uncle thought he was a better dancer than dad. It also bothers me that dad doesn't have "time to think about" his brother's death because his wife's grandson is getting married in two weeks. I really hope when I die, my siblings aren't too busy thinking about a wedding they will attend to think about my death. I've never claimed to be a better dancer than either one of them, but we all know I'm probably a better dancer than Paul. What if I died? Would dad be too busy thinking about Brenden's wedding to contemplate his daughter's life? A whole life and it only impacted 30 people? My former students might come to my funeral, but I bet more of them would go to the cemetery to spit/dance on my grave.
It's been a long two days at school and home. It doesn't help that I have cramps so bad they could bring a grown man to his knees, and a horrible headache to go along with it. I also am convinced I had to have gained at least 12 pounds in the last week. Nothing I own is comfortable or looks decent.

On the plus side- the kitty came back!! Ethan said we can't call him Small Skinny Kitty because "it takes to long to say". So I am calling him Pretty Kitty and Ethan calls him Lightning. He answers "Merow" to either. Ethan finally got to pet him. He purred for Ethan, but purred louder for me. Ethan wants to make him a "cat house" outside. He actually wants to start it tomorrow right after school. Noah still thinks we need to "stop touching the flea infested, rabid cat."

The Ghost in My Bathroom- And My (Maybe) Pet Cat

I'm pretty sure there is a ghost in my bathroom. I have three separate light bulbs in the bathroom. When one burns out it gets quite a bit dimmer. Today while I was taking a shower, one of the light bulbs "burned out". I need a new bulb, no big deal. I went on showering. Not even two minutes later, the radio switched from my normal FM morning show to an AM station. Weird huh? I kept on showering. Then the radio went off all together. I suddenly remembered somehow the outside electrical plug-in is connected with the bathroom electricity and it was raining... I wondered if there was a correlation. Then- the bulb came back on! As if I had the right idea! Shortly after that, my normal FM radio station came back on. All of this makes me fairly certain their must be a ghost living in my bathroom. Therrrre Heeerrrre..... Hopefully the ghost isn't all judgy when seeing me naked.
The boys have seen an orange cat around our neighborhood lately. As you may already know, orange cats are always the nicest. I love orange cats. Lots of my cats growing up were orange and they were all named, "Kitty". Even my beloved dead Big Fat Kitty was orange. Anyway, today when Ethan was getting ready to go to baseball practice we saw the kitty on the sidewalk by my house. He was headed over to the condemned house next door. I'm sure he gets his fill of mice, etc.. from there. I beckoned him over and coaxed him with some tasty dog food. He came over and even before eating he was purring! New Small Skinny Kitty loves me!! I pet him and fed him from my hand. The whole time Noah was backing away saying, "Don't do that. He might have rabies. I bet it has fleas. Quit petting him. Don't let him rub up on your legs, he's going to get his fleas on you." Seriously? Who is the parent? Obviously Noah is NOT the animal lover Ethan is. I told Noah I wanted to keep him. In my house. Noah said, "No. The dogs won't like him, and he'll be scared of the dogs. If you get a cat you should get a baby cat, not a teenage cat."  Then I told Noah I want to keep him. In my garage. Small Skinny Kitty would like my garage. He still had his claws, and the tip of his tail was gone, so it probably froze off. That means he probably doesn't belong to anyone and is a stray. I picked him up and had him tell Noah, "Let me live in your garage. I'll like it there." Then I tried to chase Noah with the cat. He ran away yelling, "PUT the cat down mom!! The 'cat' (he refused to call him Small Skinny Kitty) wants to live outside." Ya right. Like he's the cat whisperer or something. Noah is no fun at all. I let the cat go and he, Small Skinny Kitty, not Noah sat on the sidewalk and stared at our house until he got sick of it and went rat hunting next door. Maybe he'll come back everyday. Then he can be my outside Small Skinny Kitty.

Number 4

I am skipping number 3- Describe your relationship with your parents because I don't feel like "going there" right now. I will go to number 4. What are the 10 things you would tell your 16-year-old self if you could. Wow. That's a hard one. I would say:
1. BE CAREFUL! There are a lot of times I could have, and if God wasn't watching over me, should have been really harmed or hurt. I did some really stupid things that I pray my children don't repeat.
2. Boys are dumb and not really worth your time. Sure they are fun to look at and talk to, but they'll just hurt you. Wait until you are in college to take any seriously. They, and you are not done growing.
3. Spend time with mom and cherish it. I know she's probably nagging you, but make sure she knows you love her. Ask what it was like to be a new mom, a new wife, and what her dreams and hopes were when she was 16.
4. Write down your hopes and dreams. Not just goals. But HOPES. At my age now I really can't remember what they were. I know what my goals were, but not my hopes or dreams.
5. The world is way bigger than Barnesville. Suck it up for two more years. You always hear "you can't go back." You'll be sad when you have to leave, but once you do, it's hard to go back and fit in. But strangely, it'll be OK.
6. Learn to study and demand that the English teacher teach you. It'll save you stress and money in the near future.
7. Have fun, but be safe. You have no real responsibilities, but also have an immature brain. Keep both of those in mind.
8. Don't worry so much about the girls who are "all that". You will be more successful than most of them. In 10 years, they will be living their "glory days", while you'll be glad you didn't peek in high school.
9. Don't worry so much. Nothing you worry about now will matter in 10 years, 10 months, or even 10 days.
10. You will be fine. You can't worry about the things you can't control. You can't change people, and you probably don't really want to. Remember- There is a reason for everything. It usually isn't obvious at the time, but years later you will look back and know what the reason was. HINT- Stoutenburg kicks you out because he really doesn't want to teach Social Studies and you are too distracting. What comes around goes around. You will feel like you'll need to kick kids out too. Then you will understand his frustrations with you, and magically have more patience! :)