Saturday, June 30, 2012

Strapped For Cash? Try Cat Whispering

During the past week, I have been stripping wallpaper. It turns out it isn't as exotic and fun as it sounds. I even tried to make it into a little game by rewarding myself with a beer after each two foot strip removed. It worked for two days, then I realized I could drink beer whenever I wanted and I wouldn't have the sore wrist and shoulder. As I was stripping the wallpaper I thought, "I need a summer hobby. Perhaps becoming a cat whisperer." I've been watching this show on TV called Dogs in the City which is about a guy in New York who counsels people about what to do with their out of control dogs. I was thinking about the show when I came up with the best idea ever. What if I did Cats in the City- the city being the metropolis of Fargo-Moorhead. I toyed with the idea of being a pet psychic for years, but that would imply I'd be willing to work with any pet, which would be untrue. I don't like birds, they are evil flying rats. Obviously I don't like mice or rats. Or any type or rodent actually. They are rodents. They want to gnaw on things and climb. I'd have to tell the owners, "Your rat is worried he will become snake food. Or have to wear mascara in his eyes." I also don't like ferrets which are really weasels. They smell bad and are sneaky. Don't even get me started on snakes. I wouldn't even come within 500 yards of them. So basically, the only pets I'd work with are cats, dogs, fish, (pet fish-not lake fish) and rabbits. Therefore, I came up with my idea of cat whispering. All you'd have to do is tell the owners what they want to hear, or what is painfully obvious. Costumer- "Boots cries when I leave." I'd tell them, "Boots tells me she misses you terribly during the day. Is there any way you can work from home, or buy her a cat sill so she can look outside?" Costumer- "Fluffy hisses at my new boyfriend.." I would say, "Fluffy doesn't like to share your attention," or if I wanted to mess with them I'd say, "Fluffy is very perceptive and knows this guy is not for you." Costumer- "Tabby doesn't like the new baby, kitten, dog, etc..." I would say, "Tabby tells me she wanted to be an only child." Costumer- "Sassy keeps hiding." Me- "Sassy hides because that is not his real name, and TOM doesn't like when you dress him up in pink baby sleepers." I would even let people communicate with their dead cats, "I'm getting the felling Muffin is with us now. Muffin tells me he is in a better place. It's the cat lady's house down the block. He eats liver and tuna for every meal. Muffin also wants you to know it wasn't him who kept peeing in the laundry basket- it was the dog. Oh and he wants you to give me a big tip." See I would totally be a natural! 
Thoughts that I think: People who go camping must like to pretend they are homeless.  

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My Pets

Well I took all three dogs to the vet. Actually Sam got to go by himself two weeks before the other two because he had an ear infection. Abby was not a fan of this plan. She pouted and punished us by hiding for three days for not bringing her along. Sam was very well behaved, and our estimated "16 pound dog" (so says the liquor store dog peddler) is really 48 pounds. I have a student who weighs less than him. He had his check-up, shots and other than the ear infection, he's perfectly healthy. He was scared of the kitten peeking around the corner and he had to hide behind me though. Who would have thought the free-liquor-store dog would be the best behaved, and most healthy? I brought Max and Abby to the vet last week. Abby was not a good puppy. She whined, peed on the floor, and carried on. She is a whopping 17.5 pounds. Since she is suppose to be closer to 12 pounds, she's quite over-weight. Her teeth are awful. She has to be knocked out to get them cleaned, x-rayed and some pulled. She also has cataracts. Not to self- Before buying a dog that costs more than the house and car payment added together, you should really do your homework and find out the parent's health. But hey- we don't even know WHAT Sam's parents were and he's healthy as a horse! Abby-is sicker than a...well- dog. So poor Abby has to go on a diet, and get her teeth cleaned. Max was pretty well behaved. He just wanted to hide under my chair and wouldn't take the treat from the vet, "My mama says don't take treats from strangers" says Maxie. He's over-weight too. He is 21.3 pounds and he should be 16. Poor Maxie. He also has to be knocked out and have his teeth cleaned too, but not pulled thank goodness. So, for three days I had the dogs on a diet. They got three cups of food, and given 15 minutes to eat in the morning and 15 to eat for supper. Usually they get four cups of food to graze on all day. The food rationing was NOT a good idea. Apparently you shouldn't put dogs who can catch their own food on a diet. Sam caught a bird. By the time we realized it, only feet and head were left. Now I have to treat them all for worms. I should have known better. When Sammy was less than a year old, he caught a squirrel and brought it into the house and dropped it at my feet- then ran to hide when I screamed bloody murder. That same summer he caught a bird and carried it around the back-yard as if it were some great prize.
 "I thought you were done with that pizza. "

"I too drunk to exercise mama"

"Pick me! Pick ME!"

This morning Maxie peed IN my school bag. I wonder if it's his way of telling me he hates the sight of that bag- it means he'll be locked up and lonely for 8 hours, or he was sick of me paying too much attention to the books in it and not enough attention to him.

Thoughts I think: "This is the most flattering, comfortable bra." Said no woman. Ever.