Mom

Today I was cleaning out my closets and I came across the photo album from when I was in college. I looked so young and happy. I wish I could go back in time and warn that girl about the future, tell her to remember and cherish that happiness, and give advice about things that worried me that didn't need to. I also came across a photo of my mom at Christmas. She was opening a gift- of scissors! Seriously? Who wants scissors? Well she did. She made lots and lots of quilts and new scissors to her is like new socks for everyone else. I probably took a picture of her opening it because I spend most Saturdays and summers between the ages of 7-17 looking for %^& Damn blue handled scissors that did not exist! I'd tell her, "We don't have blue handled scissors!" and her reply would be, "We don't any more because you lost them!" After I got my license I offered to go into town to buy her a pair, but she wouldn't let me. Wouldn't she have crapped her pants if I showed up with blue handled scissors, "Oh, here they are Claudie..." Anyway, my mom looked happy. I miss her. I don't know if it's because it's Memorial Weekend, around Mother's Day, or because I am going through a particularly stressful time right now, but I started crying. I. could. not. stop. I sobbed and sobbed for at least an hour and a half. The kind of sobbing that happens when you think you are done crying but tears keep rolling out of your eyes. I kept wondering, 'what's wrong with me?' I even checked to make sure I took my b&tch-be-gone pill and I did, not knowing what my problem was made me bawl even more. I just couldn't stop. It's not like she'd be much help, or even give advice, but she'd be able to tell me it's a phase, things will get better. OK she probably wouldn't say that, but she'd listen and I'd be able to tell that's what she'd want to say.
While I was cleaning out my closet, I also found tons of scented lotions. I am not sure if it's a teacher thing, or if people think I smell, but I never buy lotion and I can literally never buy lotion again and I'd still have plenty. I am pretty sure most of it came from students, or my children. I also have more baby blankets than you can shake a stick at. I'm not sure what to do with them. They are taking up space, but I really don't want to part with them. I used one to wrap Max up like a baby and he's still, four hours later, laying on the floor on his back wrapped up in the blanket. One more thing I realized while cleaning out my closet is if a piece of clothing says, "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" it means I will never wash it - ever. Maybe that's the reason for the lotion?...

This, That and the Other Thing...

I have decided Ethan has an aversion to wearing matching clothes. Every day he comes up from his room wearing bright green running pants with a red shirt. I tell him to change his pants. He comes up with the red shirt and burgundy running pants. Yesterday He was wearing a light blue shirt with dark blue writing. He couldn't find any shorts- keep in mind there were plenty of tan, and black in his drawer. I looked in the dryer and found a red pair, and the dark blue pair the shirt came with. Guess which one he wanted? I told him "no- wear the blue". He begged and begged to wear the red. Today he had a soccer game. He put on a red long sleeve t-shirt under his orange and black jersey coupled with the damn green running pants! Are you kidding me? I keep thinking "this is just a phase..." What if it isn't? What if he grows up and never, ever matches? He'll never find a wife. He'll have to live with me forever... HEY- Maybe I should let everyday be a dress-like-a- clown-day... Speaking of girls, there is a "get around girl" that has "gone out with"- even though they don't "GO" anywhere- all of Noah's friends and now she has her nasty eye on my baby. She calls him and texts him ALL of the time- as in 5 times an evening. I am torn between a) telling him he is way to young to talk to and text girls. b) Teasing him relentlessly so he tells her to stop. Or c) Me texting her back saying, "My mom says, 9-year-old girls who go with this boy then that boy and call and text them non-stop are trash. Don't be trash." I really am not sure what to do!
The other day I was sitting at a FEA (Fargo Education Association) meeting where they were telling us unless we retire in the next five years, all of the money we put into our teacher retirement fund will be gone. That's thousands of MY dollars- GONE! The guy who is the head honcho of the teacher retirement funds committed suicide, so you gotta believe it's true. Anyway, They kept saying "stock market". I kept giggling because I remember being a senior in High School and Mr. Berg was trying to explain the "Stalk" Market to us. I heard "stock market" and immediately thought 'well that's a warehouse on the wrong side of the tracks in New Jersey where you go to find someone to track and follow someone elses every move'. I even went as far to make mental lists of who I would have stalked, and I wondered how much it would cost. Mr. Berg was going, "blaa blaa stalk market, blaaa, blaaaa, stalk market,,," and I was thinking, 'I wonder if I pay extra if they'd break their knees when they were done stalking them?' Now I am older and wiser and I know what STOCK market is. Even so, when they were talking about the stock market at this meeting, I kept giggling because I remembered what I thought it was. Then instead of making a list of who I'd have stalked, I made the mental blog entry in my head. It was like, "We will run out of money unless we blaa blaa stock market (giggle giggle) bla, bla, blaa, blaaa, stocks and bonds" at that point I thought, "I bet stalks and bonds are when the stalker kidnaps the stalkee and ties them up (the bond part)... right before they break their knee caps." Giggle giggle.

Mom-isms

When I was growing up I promised myself I would not use mom-isms. My mom used a ton. Here are some of hers:
"Just because it's mashed up and held together by condensed soup, does not make it any less of a balanced meal."
"If all of your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" That one usually confused me because I thought, 'What does jumping off a bridge have to do with wearing designer jeans?' Or a few years later I thought, 'At least my dead tangled body would be cute because I'd be wearing designer jeans."
"Why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?" Really? I had NO CLUE what that one meant until I was in my late 20's. Being the daughter of a dairy farmer I kept wondering, 'why would you even want the cow? They are a lot of work. Why not just go buy milk at the grocery store like normal people?'
"Don't wear so much make-up, you'll look like Wanda Gardner." Who happened to be a trashy girl from my home town who was 15 years older than me. I had no idea what she looked like, but she apparently wore too much make-up.
"Wear sunscreen on your face or you'll get wrinkles."- I still follow that one.
"Always wear clean underwear, you never know when you'll get into a car accident, and if you go to the hospital, you'd be embarrassed." Strangely I always thought, 'But Mr. Loegreen told us when you get in a car accident, your bladder either bursts leading to immediate death, or you pee your pants.' Even so, I still follow that one too.
"Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" This one is hilarious! Even when I was little I saw the absurdity of it. I can't even say it out loud without giggling. It's sort-of like the time my father-in-law spanked my nephew for hitting someone. "Come here- I'll smack you so you'll learn not to hit!"
"Dive safe" Well THAT ruined my plans! I was hoping to drive fast and take chances.

I asked my kids if I have any mom-isms.
"It's always fun and games til you break your neck!"
If someone is being mean to either of them and they tell me about it, I always say, "You should've punch them in the eye, that's what I'D do!"
One I tell my students when they are doing something unsafe, "I'm a trained teacher, but a terrible doctor. I sure hope you don't get hurt..."

My mom's last mom-ism:
"Call when you get there" That one was my favorite. I wish I still could.

No one loves or cares about you like your mom.

Lunch With Girls

You may remember last year when I had lunch with three giggly girls and I ended up wanting to poke my ears out due to their, "Do you know what? Haa ahaaa- I forgot!!" I swore then and there that would be the end of having lunch with three girls. Well, things change.
I reward good behavior once every two weeks by drawing three names from the "good behavior bucket" and those students have the fabulous opportunity to eat lunch with the Queen- also known as me. Today I drew three girls' names. Usually I get a combo, especially since I have 12 boys and 10 girls. The girls I chose are very sweet girls. The kids go to recess and then lunch. After they came in from recess, they go to the bathroom. I was in the bathroom at the time, but the girls didn't know. These three were talking about how exciting it was to eat lunch with the teacher and who in our class has had a turn. One girl asked, "What's the best thing about third grade?" The second girl answered, "I like when Mrs. Fairfield dresses up on Fridays." I wear jeans on Friday. I think it's hilarious that she thinks I am "dressed up". She always tells me on Fridays, "You look nice today. You must be going to a party after school." While we were eating the third little girl just casually said out out of no where, "I've had a stuffy nose pretty much since the first grade."
All in all, it was a much better dinning experience than last year's.

Lots of Things

It's been so long since I've blogged, I have lots of things to say. I want an amazing reading machine, pool for the back yard, expensive sandals, and the money to buy it all. I wonder if all of you get sick of people being overly peppy and happy that you know it is fake? Do you, like me, want to punch them in their perky head? Do you get sick of listening to people brag about how wonderful they are at (A, B and C) when you and the rest of the people they are bragging to know they really SUCK at A, B and C? Worse yet- they brag (but really suck- AND are peppy about it). Hopefully am not one of those people because I do have some bragging to do about my kids.
First; I want an amazing reading machine, also known as a kindle. I think they are super cool. However, I will not hold my breath waiting for one for mother's day because Scott believes, "I got a gift for my mom. I don't have to get you one, you're not my mom." Noah and Ethan can't drive to the store and it is a very long walk, so like every year I'll keep my expectations low and hope they made me something in school. Unless their teachers also think "I got my mom something. I barely know your mom..."
Next; I want a backyard pool. I think the boys and I would use it a lot in the summer. Well, of course in the summer, why would we use it in the winter? I wonder though if it'd take up too much room in the backyard.
Third; I bought the Sketcher Shape-Ups. They are the ones they advertise that you will lose weight by just wearing them. I wore them for a month while I sat on the couch and it didn't really work. However, after wearing them for a day I realize I have muscles where I didn't think I had any, so they must work. I like them very much. Sketchers made a Shape -Up sandal. They are really expensive, but I would wear them a lot.
Fourth; I need the money to buy my new obsessions. I wonder how much a kidney goes for?
Next; OMG! Do you get sick of overly perky, FAKE people who are all, "My life is da bomb and everyone LOVES me and I am so perfect! God loves me best- he told me so!! It makes sense because I AM everyones favorite!! Don't you LOVE me too?" I am all for people being happy. I want everyone to be happy, just stop being so fake and get out of my face about it.
Sixth; How can it be that some people really suck at certain things, but they can't resist the urge to brag about how wonderful they are at it. For example; I can't read music or play any instrument. Imagine if EVERY conversation I had with anyone resorted to what an awesome piano player and music composer I am. "Well, hello there Sara. It's a beautiful spring day today. Are you taking your class outside to enjoy the weather?" "Why, yes I am. After I tell them about the wonderful new song I wrote and play it on the piano for them. I am a self taught musician you know. I hear music and then I play it on my piano, only making it awesomer." "That's nice. Did I tell you my cat died?" "That's too bad, do you want me to write a song about him for you? I could play it the funeral. I will give you a discount for my services being you are a friend." GAG ME!!!
Last; OK now I really am going to brag because I am not a sucky parent, so I can brag. Noah got a very high score on his Math MAP (standardized test) yesterday. The teacher told him it's the highest in fourth grade. He also got nominated to be president of the K-Kids club. It's a service learning club. Kids voted him in. I told him he should make people call him Mr. President or President Noah. This morning I was getting ready in the bathroom and he was putting his contacts in and I called him President Noah. He said, "It's so cool that I am the president." I said, "And Ethan can be your no good alcoholic brother..." Then I turned and saw Ethan was standing in the doorway. Hee heee. I will be waiting by the mailbox for my mother of the year award. Ethan has become such a good reader. It amazing how well he can read!! I am so proud of them both!