Monday, July 23, 2012

My Trip to the Doctor

I went to the doctor the other day because I got hives while visiting my brother in Nebraska. Not a big fan of Nebraska, my brother, Paul, told me I was allergic to Nebraska, or their water. My hives were way worse after a shower, so maybe Paul had a point. I also had terrible heartburn. I've only had heartburn once and that was while suffering a bad hang-over from poisoned beer and a night of eating deep-fried pickles. Apparently I rolled the dice with my digestive track and lost. While leaving Nebraska I was sure I'd get better. I didn't. If anything it was worse. When I got home I made an appointment to see my doctor-  which was set for a week and a day later. I assured the receptionist I was going crazy and she put me on the "cancellation list" as well as ordered a psych eval. I learned not to tell people in the medical profession that "I am going crazy and it is an insanely short trip". So I waited my week and a day and went to the doctor. Unfortunately, my hives were gone. Even after a hot shower. I went in with the nurse. I was weighed, had my blood pressure and temperature taken. Then she asked, "Have you gained weight in the last 6 months?" I'm thinking, 'You have my records in front of you smart-ass.'  "Do you take your medication regularly?" 'Duh. I didn't run out the door crying when you weighed me, or yelled when you rubbed it in by asking if I gained weight. I kept my mean thoughts in my head now.'  "Do you feel safe in your home?" 'Why? Is there a bugler? a gas leak? a tiger? An evil step mother?' I expected her to ask again if I take my medication. "Do you menstruate?" REALLY?? 'I am in my 30's. Do I look THAT old?' "Do you know what caused your hives?" 'No. I was hoping you would. If I knew, I'd stop using it.'  Turns out it was something I ate. The hives stay in your system for 14 days and I probably had hives in my throat causing heartburn. Or it's all old age. My left wrist and right shoulder hurt, but I wanted to tackle one problem at a time. Stay tuned for my next blog called, "You know those women who have it all? The perfect marriage, perfect kids, cook nutritional delicious meals three times a day, has an immaculate house, several friends, and a full-time job, all while weighing 105 pounds? Well, I wish I could get some of them to do stuff for me."

Monday, July 16, 2012

Old People

I ran into a mean old lady at the grocery store today. Actually she ran into me- literally. I was at the check-out, using my patience, because the "new guy" can't find the UPC codes as quickly as the veterans and this old lady came down the checker aisle at me and ran into me HARD with her cart. I thought, 'oh, old people can't judge distance- she didn't mean to', so I half smiled at her. She gave me a dirty look and said, "What the hell are you smilin' at? Pay for your damn groceries and get the hell out of my way!" Seriously? If it were a kid talking like that I'd say, "Do you kiss your grandma with that dirty mouth?" But this WAS grandma! I have old aunts, I had an old grandma, they would NEVER do that. Now I'll probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder like I do when I go to Target. One time when I was at Target pregnant with Ethan and had Noah in the cart I said, "Excuse me" to a crazy lady who left her cart parked in the middle of the laundry soap aisle, and she yelled, "You're RUDE!" Everyone stared at me and my poor child and my pregnant belly and thought 'great- rude people SHOULD pro-create.' Since then I never say "excuse me" (especially in Target) if someone is in the way. I just sit and wait for them to move. Now I'll have to bring body armor for the left side of my body when I go to CashWise. I understand if she's just generally crabby. She probably has aches and pains, can't see well, hear well, get around well, and is hot. But I didn't order the weather! Why take it out on me? I have hives, heartburn, itchy foot, sprained wrist, sore shoulder, and I'm hot, but I didn't yell at her. Mean old lady. I bet she was a mean lady before she was old. She needs a cat. Old ladies who collect cats are not mean at all. Crazy? Maybe. Never mean.  
Thoughts I think:  If trees could scream, would we be so careless about cutting them down? I think we might,  especially if they screamed all the time without a good reason. 

Monday, July 9, 2012


Since I'm home for the the summer I've been watching more TV.  I've found some disturbing commercials. The worst is the one for Vagisil. The woman in the commercial says, "Who knew your period and sex can change the pH balance in your vagina?" She goes on to tell the viewers they can use Vagisil for their itchy vagina. Really? REALLY. I don't want my 9-year-old thinking about periods, sex or vaginas. That is exactly why I canceled Showtime. Every time that commercial comes I stare straight ahead as in deep thought, or more likely, pretend to be sleeping because I can feel Ethan staring at me wondering what a period has to do with itching, sex and vaginas. I dodged the bullet for a month, but finally today I didn't bring on my fake narcolepsy quickly enough and I got a "Mom, I don't get that commercial." I just shrugged and muttered "Me either." They should change the commercial to a woman sitting on a bench squirming, reaching into her purse for some Vagisil, then sitting comfortably on the bench. Does the general public need to know their pH balance causes itchiness? No. Also, if you don't know why she's squirming on the bench, you either don't have a vagina, or you don't need Vagisil. 
The second worse is a couple sitting naked in a bathtub in the woods for Viagra. "There comes a time in all men's lives where they need a little extra help. Get some Viagra" and apparently get it on in a bathtub in the woods. Which, by the way would make the woman need some Vagisil.  It also shows inappropriate public displays of affection with his partner. Really? I'd be like, "Just because you took a pill, you can't all of a sudden get all handy because it suits you all of a sudden." Once again, I feel Ethan staring at me wondering 'What do men need help with? Carrying the bathtub back to the bathroom?' Both of these commercials are on the Animal Planet station! That's a kids station. What's next? Condom commercials on the Disney Channel? 
My third least favorite is the one for Pillow Pets that light up. It shows toddlers and preschoolers running to their rooms to sleep. Seriously? It's totally lying to parents, especially sleep deprived parents who are more eager to fall for their brain-washing. The commercial shows the kids in bed with the light up Pillow Pet that shines stars and a big face of the pet on the wall. Ethan said he wouldn't fall asleep because he'd want to stay awake to look at the stars. I said I wouldn't go to sleep because if I did, the ladybug on the wall will eat me. Why don't they show the REAL scenario from behind the scenes when shooting the commercial. The toddler yells, "MOMMMY! The lion will eat me." Mom removes the lion. Toddler wants a drink, then to go to the bathroom, then another story, then to be tucked in again, then ONE more hug, then the dumb stuffed animal which doubles as a pillow. Mom brings it back. "MoMMMy! I don't like the lions mane. It's itchy." Mom brings in some Vagisil... See the glow-in-the-dark pillow pet just add to the madness of bedtime. 
Thoughts that I Think"
I have proof drinking beer is much more fun than exercising. No one at the gym has ever been told at the end of the night, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."