Sunday, March 29, 2009

Random Thoughts

Being cooped up with the kids for 19 days, well 5 days, has made me go very stir crazy. Though I am very grateful my house is out of danger with both the river and lift stations, I am needing to GO SOMEWHERE. Anywhere. I thought about it, and Noah and Ethan have had school TWO DAYS out of fifteen- and that is assuming they will start school again on the sixth, only to have Friday and the following Monday off. I tell ya, I've said it more than once, those Moorhead kids never go to school. I decided for this week I am going to home school the kids. Not because I am against the public schools, but partly because they need something structured to do or they will kill each other, and because I am hoping my students parents are still making them read and stuff while we have this unplanned vacation, so the kids come back to school having not forgotten everything I taught them the past two Mondays and Tuesdays. I told the kids Noah will have to research and write a report on an animal of his choice, read to me for 20 minutes and discuss his book, the book he chooses is My Dear Dumb Diary- real classic literature,- but hey, at least he is reading. He also has to do math for a half hour. My class is two units ahead of his in math, but I don't care- I am teaching him what I would be teaching my students this week. Ethan is going to work on reading, writing and math. They are excited. Noah told his friend Brennan, and Ethan said it's for the rest of the year! Uh. NO Ethan. I'll keep you updated on how it goes. Maybe I could recruit all the neighborhood kids into my home classroom, so it won't look like my kids were the nerds who had to "learn" during break. I am hoping my students are safe, and having conversations with people other than SpongeBob. And hey! I get to find out if I can teach under the influence of alcohol and it won't get me fired!! I always knew I could teach Kindergarten and third grade in my sleep- now I can prove it.
I think the national dessert should be cheesecake. It can even be New York cheesecake. Apple pie is good, but cheesecake is delicious! I know a lot of people who would drive across town for cheesecake, but not that many people would for apple pie. I think the national dessert became apple pie because there were a lot of apple trees, and no one knew what to do with the excess apples and didn't want them to go to waste, much like what I do in the fall when everyone gives me apples, I make apple crisp. However, if I was given cheese, I would make a mean cheesecake.
I also think we need to rethink the whole "baseball is the national pastime." I, for one do not like baseball. I think by calling it the "national pastime" they are assuming everyone likes it. I really don't, there's much too much down time. I need things to move along quicker, or I lose interest, get board and then testy. Also, I hate watching all sports- except the ones my children play in. Actually, they DO play baseball, but I only like it when they are batting or in the infield. Maybe the national pastime should be "Happy Hour". That is something EVERYBODY loves, you don't have to pay attention, of feel like yelling "Hit the damn ball! Get the show on the road! We don't got all day! What's wrong with you!?" then getting kicked out of the game and told to never return- as if I wanted to anyway!

Friday, March 27, 2009


Twelve years ago, during the 1997 flood, I remember sitting in my classroom crying at the end of they day on the Monday after Grand Forks caught on fire and flooded. I was certain we were next. The ice storm we had the week earlier that snapped power lines, the 120 inches of snow and weekly blizzards had finally became too much. When news broke out about this flood, I handled it like I handle everything; denial. "It can't be that bad. We didn't have THAT much snow this year. They always predict things will be worse than they really are so people will be prepared." How could we prepare for this? I truly thought "it could never be worse than 97". It was worse than 97 as of yesterday. I have watched the news in recent years and saw floods in Oklahoma, Tennessee, and West Virginia and think "thank God that's not here." Now we are the ones on TV and people are watching saying, "thank God that's not here." My denial was so deep, it wasn't until last night at about 6:00 when I realized this is bad. Really bad. Three of Noah's five good friends were evacuated last night. These are not people who live by the river, they live in the middle of town. A whole neighborhood where some of my students live is gone. Water is up to the windows in the Oak Grove neighborhood. These are not rich kids, I am sure they don't have flood insurance. What will they do? How do you recover after this? Noah's friend's parents bought flood insurance at the end of February, thinking the 30 day grace period would be enough time and they'd be covered. The grace period ends tomorrow. Lydia, a friend of mine lives way in South Fargo, her family and neighbors started leaving this morning. I remember watching the news when it's flooding in other communities, and I can't remember if they fought so hard to help their friends, neighbors, and strangers as we have. Do other communities band together like we have? Growing up here, I just took for granted our community would. I am proud and amazed how we have come together, without someone being "in charge" and got so much done. Was it all done in vain? I guess in the next ten days we will find out. I am still scared we will be the next "Grand Forks". I am terrified some of my friends and co-workers will say "enough of this crap, we're leaving for good." I am scared we will have to leave. We are very far from the river and our house is only four feet into the ground, (good if you are having a flood, bad if you have a tornado) so we shouldn't have to worry if the lift stations go as they have in other parts of Moorhead, but if the power goes out what will we do? I am so thankful we are safe and out of harms way of the flood, the kids are OK and we are all healthy, for that I am grateful, but what if...? I feel so terrible for the people we know who have already lost their house. All of those memories, gone. It's sad enough to sell a house and move, but you have the excitement of a new house waiting for you. These people didn't want this. It really sucks feeling this helpless. From here on out it's a waiting game to see what will happen. Because they do not want people driving, and because you literally can't get to some of the schools in Fargo, Moorhead and Fargo called off school for all next week. They didn't even do that in 97. Not everyone can say they have lived through two 100 year floods. One year ago this week, I was teaching my class about the flood of 97. That is history to them. They weren't alive when it happened. My kids are living through something that will forever be talked about, remembered and in the not so far away future be taught as history. I remember telling my class, after showing them the photos of Fargo and Grand Forks, that I cried at my desk in Agassiz school because we were told to get our important files and leave, that we all ended up OK. It was a horrible, stressful, nightmarish time, but we all became a stronger community because of it. Please view the footage at type in fargo moorhead and click on the one that has Maria Shriver.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I hope my next car has on-star. Stacy and I joke that if we had on-star, we could call up them up to chat.
"Hello. This is on-star. How may I help you?"
"Whatcha doing?"
"Ma'am, is this an emergency?"
"Yes! I am having a shopping emergency!"
"But ma'am, you are in the parking lot of a mall."
"Hellllloooo. I know that. I can't find a space to park."
"Well, Ma'am, drive around until someone leaves. Would you like me to stay on the line until you find one?"
"Thanks, you are like my virtual BFF. I like it in the commercials when you offer to stay on the line when people are waiting for help. My favorite one is when the mom locks her keys and baby in the car and you unlock the door for her, it makes me cry every time."
"Me too ma'am."
"No. It doesn't."
"So, do you know where I am at all times?"
"Yes, I do, and those pants make your butt look big, or maybe your butt makes your butt look big."
"I found a spot. Thanks for staying on the line with me."
"No problem ma'am. Is there any other way I can be of assistance today?"
"No. Will this conversation make it to in the commercials?"
"Dream on ma'am."
I think it'd be awesome to have on-star. It's like a new friend in a little box.
I have been getting phone calls lately from a 201 phone number. I've received about four in the last week. They all start out with, "Will you please join us in the fight to keep drugs off our streets?" They go on to ask for donations. I told them twice to take me off of their call list, once they left a message and a phone number to call to "join in the fight", and last night while making supper they called again. Nothing seems to work in getting rid of these people. I looked up the 'do not call' rules on the internet and people asking for donations CAN call you! It is legal to ignore your requests to DO NOT CALL! Imagine my children's surprise last night when I yelled, "Leave me alone! I love drugs!!" Hee heeee. I outsmarted them!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Super Models

Last night I drank the "magic fat burning potion", so I couldn't take my Ambian. As expected, I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I tried reading, didn't work, so I tried watching TV. I turned to the channel that has What Not To Wear (by the way, who does that b*tch, Stacy London think SHE is-Joan Rivers?) and Queer Eye for The Straight Guy on it. I think it's channel 8 or 9. Anyway, they had a show on about these three women who were going in to be "made over". They opened with the surgeon talking about one of the women without showing her, "She will of course need an eyebrow lift, upper and lower face lift, liposuction on the cheeks, neck, chin, buttocks, inner and outer thighs, calves, ankles and eyelids, breast augmentation, nose job, tummy tuck, gum tissue recontouring, teeth bleaching, dental veneers, a lip life, botox for her upper lips, hair extensions..." He continued on with the second patient saying much of the same, except adding, "butt implants." WHAT?? Seriously!! You are sucking off the butt of the first woman, give it to her friend! Why would you put extra junk in your trunk? By the time they finally showed the "before" women, I was totally expecting to see a troll, a witch, or the elephant man, but they all looked perfectly average. I would never had said to any of them, "Do you live under the bridge?" "Don't you belong in Michael Jackson's personal museum?" Or shriek, "Throw her in the river and see if she'll float!" They all looked like people I could be friends with, well except the one, she looked pretty bitchy, I am guessing she was the witch. All three were normal. One was proportioned wrong, one was above average weight, and the last one just really needs new make-up and clothes -where is that damn Stacy London when you need her? The "contestants" were to stay at the hospital/ re-hab center for four months without talking to their families at all. One lady was wrapped up like a mummy with drainage tubes coming out from all over, and crying because she was in pain, had an infection, and missed her four-year-old daughter. Her "life-coach" told her to "suck it up! Do you know that thousands of people would love to have your problems right now!" She was begging to talk to her daughter. She couldn't ever cry tears because of all the swelling. I don't understand why Reality TV doesn't let people talk to their families. I don't understand what they are gaining. That show made me ponder what I'd have done and all of the things I hate about my body; my eyebrows (no arch), my used to be favorite- eyes (looks like a freaky cat since I got new corneas), eyelids (droopy), nose (too big), lips (too small) chin (not there, but the fat has a twin making it a double), boobs (too flat), stomach (too fat), hips and butt- (too big) thighs (too big) little toes (smashed toenail in one and broken toenail in the other, so it never grows out) Oh- and teeth- (too yellow and crooked). I think I got it all. I like my knees and wrists, both of which will probably bring me arthritis in years to come. I am not against teeth whitening at all, but I think it is over done to the point that unless you whiten your teeth, you look like Austin Powers. I met a substitute teacher whose teeth were so white they glowed with a weird blue color, I wondered if my corneas could take it. Of course she couldn't understand a word I was saying because I was saying it all behind my hand covering my teeth. I see commercials for teeth whitening products and the people are always working out, doing jumping jacks, and running, all saying "I'm whitening my teeth!" Actually if it were accurate, it's be "I'mb white- ten-ing my sees." I don't want to work out, so why can't they have a teeth whitener that works while you are sitting on your ass watching Desperate Housewives? While watching my late night TV, I found out there are all kinds of pantyhose you can buy. I don't wear pantyhose, but I realized I am missing out. You can get pantyhose that will reduce your cellulite- that's a load of crap! Some pantyhose have caffeine injected into them. Why? Are they cranky abut having to get up in the morning? Apparently they make you feel better while wearing them. In that case they should inject them with Vicodin or Zoloft. There is also age defying pantyhose. I love the idea of having defiant pantyhose getting all worked up over every little thing like the Loreal Age Defying spokeswoman Andy something. That made me giggle a bit because all I could think of during that commercial was getting pulled over and saying, "What's that officer, you say I was speeding? We'll see what my pantyhose has to say about THAT, mister!" The slogan is "Let your pantyhose work for you." I can't think of anything better than taking a break and letting the pantyhose teach my third grade class. They actually might listen better to the spunky hose than they do to me. I cried twice during the "make-over" show. Once because the mummy missed her little girl and once because the best looking of the three said she came on the show because her husband wouldn't go out in public during the day with her anymore. Really? That sounds more like a husband problem, I hope she gets beautiful and dumps his sorry ass! Anyway, at the end we see the families reunite after the "make-over". The woman's whose husband was embarrassed to be seen with her looked like a dumb bumpkin. I could be his surgeon and say, "he needs some teeth, a haircut, some lessons on using shampoo, a shirt that doesn't say "I'm with stupid"..." I could have spent that hour sleeping, but instead I spent it examining my physical flaws. I wonder if the fat- burning solution was working being I was awake? I knew I'd be tired today. Good thing I paid for the overnight rush on those age-defying pantyhose!!


I recently bought the book Eat This, Not That on Amazon. When I got it, I flipped through it, and it is an eight pound book full of rules. Rules that don't make sense. For instance, you should eat canned peas rather than frozen peas. It's peas, aren't they all good for you? Wouldn't canned peas have too much sodium? It's just too many rules to memorize. I bet the people who lose weight with this plan do it by lugging around the stupid book. I also glanced at the bread section. You should eat bagels rather than biskets. Well, my bacon, cheese, ham and egg don't taste so good on a bagel. Anyway, bagels are carbohydrates, right? I thought for about 32 hours, I should try the Atkins diet. I googled 'carbohydrates' to find out exactly what I can not longer eat. I found out that 'carbo' comes from the Latin term meaning yummy-tasty and 'hydrate' -cinnabuns. That diet is also full of rules. "Eat a ten pound meatball, but no noodles with your spaghetti, no sugars, or white food." Your body will burn off your stored fat rather than spend it's time burning off carbs. I know my body, and my body would spend that time not burning stored fat, but looking for new, embarrassing places to store more fat. The Atkins diet worked for a lot of people. I know a woman who dropped 40 pounds in the matter of a summer. The only bad part is if you slip up and eat a saltine or single french fry, you gain twenty pounds overnight. It's cruel like that.
Weight Watchers works for a lot of people, but it involves going to meetings and being weighed somewhere other than the privacy of your own bathroom. I also wonder if these meeting are like AA meeting. "Hi, My name is Sara." A robotic answer-"Hi Sara". "It has been two days since I had a piece of chocolate cake." A round of applause breaks out. I guess if you get an applause, it can't be all bad. Weight Watchers also involves giving food "points". You calculate the fat grams and divide by the calories, and multiply it by pie (heee heee- PIE- irony) and double your age, and subtract your birth year, and you get the "point" each food is worth. You only get about 30 points allotted per day. What if you eat peanut butter toast for breakfast? That is half of your points right there. Also, something I typically eat and always thought was good for me has a lot of points, but I can't remember what it is, I'm thinking it was carrots or maybe kit-kats. Another thing, I don't know if I feel right labeling my food as "Points". I believe if you label people, they become what their label is; so says the crazy witch lady.
There is also the South Beach Diet, but this is a lot like Atkins. You can't have carbs at the beginning. I went out to eat lunch with a group of ladies last summer who were on the South Beach Diet, and the waiter was greeted at our table by shrieks of, "GET THAT OUT OF HERE!" It's a basket of warm bread sticks, not a rabid weasel. Anyway, Bill Clinton was all into the South Beach Diet, and he lost a lot of weight, but he also had open heart surgery. Is that a risk I am willing to take?
The Zone delivers steady weight loss, but not dramatic like Atkins or having your stomach stapled. You are suppose to balance protein and carbs with 40-30-30. 40% protein, 30% carbs, and 30% something I can't remember. I guess it can be anything you want, so I am calling it deep fried Kit-kats. I am guessing the Eat This Not That book will go on the shelf next to the South Beach diet book and the two Atkins book and cookbooks I have. Unless of course I start using it as weights to carry around, but then I'll probably do something careless like go to the doctor's office and have to get weighed in. I can imagine it now, Me- "this book is at least eight pounds, you have to deduct it" Nurse "What book? I don't see a book..." Me- "It's in my 25 pound jacket. Who are you? The fricken' book police?"
Scott brought home a three month supply of this wonder liquid that "burns your fat as you sleep". Doesn't your body do that already? Isn't that why people always weigh themselves in the morning after flossing, peeing and blowing their nose to get rid of any excess weight? You are suppose to drink one tablespoon of the liquid followed by eight ounces of water right before bed. However, you can't have anything to eat or drink within 3 hours before drinking the "fat burning solution". This sound suspiciously like the "don't eat after 6:00 PM" diet. The three hour window includes medication. What about my Ambian? Or more importantly, beer? It also says in bold letters, go straight to bed. Do not take it and stay away for 20 minutes. Why? If you are awake after you drink it, will you turn into a gremlin? Also, do not fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV. So THAT'S why I can't shed those pesky 12 pounds. I'm going to wait until Monday night to drink the Kool-aid, because I rely on Ambian too much on the weekends. However, I rely on beer during the week, so who knows what I'll do.
Thoughts that I think: Ethan had a friend over this weekend. I had some grapes sitting out, and the friend took one and asked, "What color are these purple grapes, blue?" Ethan rolled his eyes and said, "yep." He is just like his mama- especially since I was doing the exact same thing!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

When Will I Die Quiz

I just took a quiz on Facebook that is suppose to tell me when I will die. It said, "October 25, 2008". Hasn't that date past already? Actually, it WOULD explain a lot about the last five months... I thought I answered all of the questions the "right", yet honest way. Am I female- yes. Do I smoke- NO. Do I eat vegetables- yes. Do I want to die- Duh, NO. Do I drink- HELLLOOOO, yes, have you read about my class? What do I weigh? Well, this may have been the wrong answer. All of the answers were in kilograms. I can't convert to kilograms. I can sort-of convert in centimeters/inches and miles/kilometers, and cups, ounces, pints, quarts, and gallon. I know this because my friend Julie "tested" me last Thursday while she was cooking. It took a lot of hard thinking and I didn't have my "gallon man" hung up in front of me to use as a reference like I do at school, but between two people with their masters and one person with his Ph D, we figured it out. Anyway, I said I weighed between 90-100 Kilograms. Maybe that put me at 200 pounds. Who knows. Stupid "When Will You Die Quiz." Maybe I AM living on borrowed time?! In that case I need to quick use up my sick leave, so it doesn't go to waste.

Friday, March 20, 2009


It is a well known fact I have been boycotting Walmart for the last nine years. Why? You ask? Well, it's a matter of principle. I believe Walmart is anti-education. They donate 0% to education- Target gave 5,000,000.00 last year. I also believe Sam Walmart purposely does not support education because he wants people to not get educated and therefore have less options for income and be forced to shop at a store with falling prices. I am not saying everyone who shops at Walmart is non-educated, because a good friend spends half her paycheck there and she has a very important job and has her masters. Sam's mastermind plot can't get by me. Actually, in all reality it is probably not even true, but I have also been boycotting because the Walmart company does not treat their employees well. One time about a year ago, Stacy took me to Walmart, but it was after a few drinks, so my willpower was not very strong and I ended up filling a cart. Yesterday, Stacy once again took me to Walmart. This time I was stone sober and I couldn't believe the enticing low prices. Again, I filled a cart, this time with groceries as well as "target stuff". Today the boys and I ran errands. Noah is in the process of replacing his lost DS games and wanted to check out the variety at Walmart. Two days in a row I went to Walmart. Today I was mesmerized by the low prices (cards for .44 cents. Can you believe it?) as well as the wide variety of merchandise. I was in a trance. I go to Target at least once a week and I know exactly what they do and do not have in stock at all times. Walmart is like two Targets in one store, but the second Target carries really cheep yet useful items, such as party decorations. Am I decorating for a party? No, yet did that stop me from spending a good 20 minutes looking at all of the party choices? No it did not. Did you know there are several kinds of car fresheners you can choose from? Did you know there is a whole aisle devoted just to laundry soap? I think I may need to change my standards and (gasp) make Walmart my new Target. I might- but I won't be proud of it.
Today Ethan started singing (out of no where) VaGINA... VaGINA... VAGINNNAAAA.... What's with him?
Maybe it's the Walmart affect???

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Abby Ran Away

Abby ran away once again. Good thing the boys were outside, so Noah went chasing after her. Once again, she did not look both ways before crossing the street- I swear, she'll never learn that rule. Or the "no run away from mama". Anyway, Noah chased her down the block and she decided to check out someones open garage, so Noah snatched her then. Honestly, I am starting to take this whole "run away as fast and as far as I can" personally. Doesn't she like us? Does she want a new family? Do you think she resents us for getting two other dogs? You would think after being caught by the police and having to spend the night in jail, she would learn.I see other people walk their dogs without a leash, and other dogs who don't need to be chained up in the front yard, they just stay with their owner. So far, Maxie is too scared to leave mama's side to run away, and even though Sammy is HUGE, loud noises scare him so he runs and hides behind me when he hears any outside noise. My pet psychic abilities would really come in handy right now. Maybe I should pretend Abby is a client. I'd tell her owner that she is craving more attention, and a longer chain.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Snow Day!

Today is a snow day. It is storming really bad. I can't remember the last time it was as nasty out as it is today.Daylight savings is kicking my butt, so it was nice to sleep in until 8:17!! Which is really 7:17 on REAL time. I think snow days are days that give you permission to do nothing. You shouldn't have to work, clean, cook, etc... Except the kids keep whining that they are hungry and the fridge smells like the science experiment is complete, so it's time to clean it. The puppies like when we have snow days, I know because they told me. My sister is coming home for Noah's birthday and she is getting a puppy here to take back with her!! I would offer her Sam, but he is part of our family now and I can't give him away. She is going to get a puppy like Maxine. I am so excited for her!! One month from today my baby will be nine. Only one more year in the single digits. How can he be growing up so fast? Where did the time go? Noah and Ethan's new entrepreneur idea is to find all of the empty pop cans and peel off the pop tab and put it in a big cup to "sell and get lot of money". Ethan wants money to buy Pokemon cards. Noah says he is going to buy DS games with his half- good luck. I don't think he realizes he'll need about 500 pounds of pop tabs to make $30.00, but it keeps them busy, so I say have at it. If you've ever ridden in my car, you are probably thinking he just has to get the tabs off of the cans in there and he'd have more than enough to buy a game.
Thoughts that I think: If fat is so bad for you, why did God make it so delicious?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

What The?...

For those of you who read my blog strictly for it's entertainment value, here's one for you. Remember the kid who said I was his hero? Well, he drew an illustration to go with his picture, two actually because his story took up two pages of his book. The first page was me, or I think it's me, it's a blond with a pink shirt and a mouth wide open that is almost as big as my head complete with huge teeth. The other one was me standing sideways talking to a kid and my mouth is open again, except this time, there are brown lines coming out of my mouth. I am guessing it's suppose to be speech, but it looks like I am throwing up on a kid. That, or s*#t is coming out of my mouth. Kind of changes the meaning of "she's just talkin' s*#t." for me.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Today is a good day. As you may know, my students are writing a book. A biography actually, it will be published into a hard cover book and everything. I am very stressed out because although it is a wonderful opportunity for the students, the deadline is tomorrow and third graders don't understand deadlines. Anyway, there are about six "chapters" in their books. One chapter is "My Hero". I brought home the "hero" stories to edit tonight. I just read one (from one of the breaking and entering students none the less). It read, please note, this kids does not know the meaning of sucking up. He really tells it like he sees it- his mom being drunk when he gets home from school and everything. "My hero is Mrs. Fairfield. She is respectful, responsible and safe. She is respectful because she is nice and fair to us. Even when we are bad. She makes us be respectful by being nice to each other and she makes us responsible by making us do our homework at recess if we don't do it. She makes us be safe because she won't let us go outside without no coat on. The best thing about her is she comes to school every morning to teach us things, and help us learn. She wood get paid if we learned stuff or not, but she still makes us lern." I feel like I am going to cry. Why? Not because he spelled "would" or "learn" wrong, but because I won't be at school tomorrow morning. I have a meeting from 8:00- 9:40 at Longfellow. Maybe some of the kids do notice how hard I try. I need to not get so frustrated, or feel so hopeless. This child more than likely will get into serious trouble with the law in his lifetime, but for one year at least I was his hero- not some boxer, gangster, Hitler, or Lil' Wayne, but me. It's not really a big deal because, well they are 9-years-old, but it feels like a hard role to fill.
Thoughts that I think: I remembered today how Ethan would tell me last summer when it was raining, "It is raining because God is crying and God is crying because Grandpa said a naughty word." The next day it rained A LOT and Ethan said, "Wow! Grandpa must have said A LOT of naughty words!" I think instead of rain dances, they should just start swearing.