Sunday, March 22, 2009


I recently bought the book Eat This, Not That on Amazon. When I got it, I flipped through it, and it is an eight pound book full of rules. Rules that don't make sense. For instance, you should eat canned peas rather than frozen peas. It's peas, aren't they all good for you? Wouldn't canned peas have too much sodium? It's just too many rules to memorize. I bet the people who lose weight with this plan do it by lugging around the stupid book. I also glanced at the bread section. You should eat bagels rather than biskets. Well, my bacon, cheese, ham and egg don't taste so good on a bagel. Anyway, bagels are carbohydrates, right? I thought for about 32 hours, I should try the Atkins diet. I googled 'carbohydrates' to find out exactly what I can not longer eat. I found out that 'carbo' comes from the Latin term meaning yummy-tasty and 'hydrate' -cinnabuns. That diet is also full of rules. "Eat a ten pound meatball, but no noodles with your spaghetti, no sugars, or white food." Your body will burn off your stored fat rather than spend it's time burning off carbs. I know my body, and my body would spend that time not burning stored fat, but looking for new, embarrassing places to store more fat. The Atkins diet worked for a lot of people. I know a woman who dropped 40 pounds in the matter of a summer. The only bad part is if you slip up and eat a saltine or single french fry, you gain twenty pounds overnight. It's cruel like that.
Weight Watchers works for a lot of people, but it involves going to meetings and being weighed somewhere other than the privacy of your own bathroom. I also wonder if these meeting are like AA meeting. "Hi, My name is Sara." A robotic answer-"Hi Sara". "It has been two days since I had a piece of chocolate cake." A round of applause breaks out. I guess if you get an applause, it can't be all bad. Weight Watchers also involves giving food "points". You calculate the fat grams and divide by the calories, and multiply it by pie (heee heee- PIE- irony) and double your age, and subtract your birth year, and you get the "point" each food is worth. You only get about 30 points allotted per day. What if you eat peanut butter toast for breakfast? That is half of your points right there. Also, something I typically eat and always thought was good for me has a lot of points, but I can't remember what it is, I'm thinking it was carrots or maybe kit-kats. Another thing, I don't know if I feel right labeling my food as "Points". I believe if you label people, they become what their label is; so says the crazy witch lady.
There is also the South Beach Diet, but this is a lot like Atkins. You can't have carbs at the beginning. I went out to eat lunch with a group of ladies last summer who were on the South Beach Diet, and the waiter was greeted at our table by shrieks of, "GET THAT OUT OF HERE!" It's a basket of warm bread sticks, not a rabid weasel. Anyway, Bill Clinton was all into the South Beach Diet, and he lost a lot of weight, but he also had open heart surgery. Is that a risk I am willing to take?
The Zone delivers steady weight loss, but not dramatic like Atkins or having your stomach stapled. You are suppose to balance protein and carbs with 40-30-30. 40% protein, 30% carbs, and 30% something I can't remember. I guess it can be anything you want, so I am calling it deep fried Kit-kats. I am guessing the Eat This Not That book will go on the shelf next to the South Beach diet book and the two Atkins book and cookbooks I have. Unless of course I start using it as weights to carry around, but then I'll probably do something careless like go to the doctor's office and have to get weighed in. I can imagine it now, Me- "this book is at least eight pounds, you have to deduct it" Nurse "What book? I don't see a book..." Me- "It's in my 25 pound jacket. Who are you? The fricken' book police?"
Scott brought home a three month supply of this wonder liquid that "burns your fat as you sleep". Doesn't your body do that already? Isn't that why people always weigh themselves in the morning after flossing, peeing and blowing their nose to get rid of any excess weight? You are suppose to drink one tablespoon of the liquid followed by eight ounces of water right before bed. However, you can't have anything to eat or drink within 3 hours before drinking the "fat burning solution". This sound suspiciously like the "don't eat after 6:00 PM" diet. The three hour window includes medication. What about my Ambian? Or more importantly, beer? It also says in bold letters, go straight to bed. Do not take it and stay away for 20 minutes. Why? If you are awake after you drink it, will you turn into a gremlin? Also, do not fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV. So THAT'S why I can't shed those pesky 12 pounds. I'm going to wait until Monday night to drink the Kool-aid, because I rely on Ambian too much on the weekends. However, I rely on beer during the week, so who knows what I'll do.
Thoughts that I think: Ethan had a friend over this weekend. I had some grapes sitting out, and the friend took one and asked, "What color are these purple grapes, blue?" Ethan rolled his eyes and said, "yep." He is just like his mama- especially since I was doing the exact same thing!

1 comment:

Lydia said...

Oh Sara. You are too funny. Do not do Atkins- I did that one. Everything has carbs. SO if you like eating eggs and lots of meat with nothing else, its a perfect diet. South Beach was also too much work.
I do not want to do weight wathcers- who wants the humiliation of being weighed in front of a whole group of people?!?!?! not me.
I think it is all about portion control, that is my new philosophy. Eat normal food, but watch the serving size. The minute I deprive myself of something, that is when I want it. I say have the cake and eat it. LIfe is too short to live starving and miserable. Diet had DIE as the first 3 letters- that says it all...