Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year and Ol' Acquaintances...

I never understood that line in the New Year's song Ol' Acquaintances be forgot... Why do you want to forget them? Do you need your space in your brain for other stuff?
Anyway, speaking of old acquaintances... I went to a grown-up movie today! I can't remember the last grown up movie I went to in the theaters. I ran into an old high school boyfriend. I thought to myself "look self, there's 'Billy Bob's' dad." Nope. It was Billy Bob himself. He hugged me and said I haven't changed at all in the last (huhmmm) years since graduation. All I could think is, "wow, YOU have. You got shorter. And wider. And where did your hair go?" Even though he looked like his dad, which is still creepy as I type this, his charm and ability to make me laugh was still there. It was fun catching up. We both have two boys the same ages, and he has an Ethan too! I admitted that I still, to this day, can't hear a Joan Jett song without thinking of him, or drive past a dairy farm for that matter since he helped his dad milk cows. I left wondering why I didn't give him more than a second thought in high school. Oh yeah- it's because he made-out with my slutty cousin- while we were dating. Good thing I didn't give him a second thought after all.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Snow Much Fun

It's Christmas break and the only thing that could make it better would be warmer weather. We had a three day(ish) storm for Christmas, so we had a quiet one. On Christmas Eve we did the same old stuff. We went to church (but our NEW one this time- Which was WAY better), went to the in-laws, watched the other grandchildren open their mountains of gifts, while my kids unwrap a quarter (no kidding). There was lots of wine involved, so that made the "OMG! My niece slurs all of her words like a drunken sailor!!" Scream a little less loudly in my head. Seriously. She slurs her words. Both my niece and nephew whom are being raised by my mother-in-law are very low functioning and my mother-in-law, knowing full well I AM a teacher, told me she was going to write their special ed. teacher a letter asking "how she dare send home homework during Christmas break." All I thought was 'you should include in that letter that you would like the school to raise them, or that second and fourth grade MODIFIED homework is way above your intelligence level' because that is what will be read between the lines. Seriously. They are either all becoming more and more like hillbillies or I am becoming less and less blind. Christmas day was quiet. We were home. I made a ham- and wait for it... gravy!! Yes I did and it was good. The day after we went to my dad's and his wife's family was there for Christmas. Lots of liquor was involved there- which made it a really pleasant experience. I am petty sure my step- brother-in-law and I are running for office in 2012.
Now that the Christmas fun and excitement is over, life is back to normal. My children are getting along one minute, then fighting the next. I honestly don't know what to do. Before I had children, I would have them go to their rooms and write three things they love about their siblings. I wasn't factoring in the fact that one can't spell and his older brother (who spells just as well as the little one) would make fun of his spelling inantiquities, and the little one is so stubborn that he couldn't possibly think of anything he likes about his brother. Before I had children I would also have the kids sit in a room together but not be able to talk until they said they were sorry and loved each other. I really underestimated the freedom of speech on that one. Now that I am a parent, I have no idea what to do. Let them fight it out and they will annoy me and possibly get hurt. Telling them to "stop it" immediately puts a flash in my head of a drunken mom with her hair disheveled, and a cigarette hangin' out of her mouth saying "Knock it off you two..." as she's stumbling around wearing one high heel shoe. By not letting them fight it out, am I cheating them on learning how to fight fair with their future spouses? By making them fight it out, and I tarnishing their childhood memories so all they'll remember is fighting?
Maybe I should spit out my cigarette and comb my hair and help Ethan spell "You let me borrow your gameboy at your basketball games where I am board out of my mind, and wouldn't have to go to at all if you wouldn't ruin my weekends by being in basketball..."
Speaking of gameboy... For those who don't know, 'gameboy' is a portable game system, not to be confused with a 'playstation' which is a game system that hooks up to the TV. Yesterday I was cleaning off the kitchen counter and told Ethan, "Go put away your playboy right now."
Later when Stacy came over to visit I told Ethan to go downstairs so we could talk in peace. Ethan said, "Oh, you're going to say inappropriate words, like swear words..."
Go put away your playboy a--h--e!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Last night Noah asked me, "mom, is it OK if I have a girlfriend?" I smiled to myself and said, "It's OK, but only if you don't kiss her." He immediately said, "Oh, I wouldn't do that"- as if that is the grossest thing I could suggest. "So, who's the girl?" He tells me, "She's Ryan's (his good friend) ex-girlfriend. Ryan dumped her and now she likes me, so I think I'll try to like her." Funny thing- that's how many of my high school relationships started, except some that I "tried" to like never stuck. Last night he drew a heart on his hand with their initials.
Ethan is so excited for Santa. I really wish I could freeze time and keep him this age. He has become such a good reader, he can read anything in front of him it seems. The other night the kids were talking about what they learned in school. Ethan said, "I know you need six things to live." He starts ticking them off on his fingers, "air, food, water, heat, love, and.... ummmm... a cell phone." I laughed and he said, "well, if your house burns down, how will you call 911?"
Last week my class switched Gym times with a fifth grade teacher because he had something else going on at his regular time. His time is right away at 8:45. Ours is at 10:10. We usually have morning meeting, reading, snack and then gym. I explained to the class at 8:40 (when school starts) that we are switching gym times and showed them the revised schedule and followed it up with, "so we better line up for gym, so we aren't late..." I walked the kids down to gym. As they past by me to walk into the gym, three students asked me, "Why are we going to gym so early?" One kid, Mr. Panda, asked, "Why are we going to gym? Did I miss snack?" Ohhh. You gotta love them!
Yesterday many of my students brought me Christmas gifts. I opened them in front of them because they wanted me to. One student who has a lot of trouble following directions and listening made me a card and wanted me to open it and read it in front of the class this morning. It said, (spelling is as is) Deer Mrs. Fairfeild, Mary Chrisssmas. I hope you hav a good brake. when we come back I will be good. I will lisen good in 2011."
2011!! How is that going to help me?!
Merry Christmas! I hope you are all ready for you holiday season!! I sort-of live by my mom's old advise. Get what you can done, what doesn't get done is OK because nobody will notice it's not done anyway.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I hate winter. Why would I live in the land of Arctic cold temperatures then? Who knows?! I am nuts! I miss the days of just slipping on my sandals and leaving. Actually I miss the days of putting on my jean jacket and leaving- and those days were only two weeks ago. This is the third day of "official" cold, below 40 degree, weather we've had, and I am fed up!! It takes the kids and me an extra 10-15 minutes each morning to get ready to walk out the door. We have to put on our jackets, boots (yes, I have turned into my mother and I wear winter boots- NERD) find where Sam has carried our gloves off to, he can't just take one pair of one person, but one glove from each of us, warm up the car, remind Ethan to go pee before he puts on his snow pants and wrap him up in a scarf. This is all to just get in the car!! Seriously! WTF??? I loath this weather crap. I have been freezing at school. I wear three layers every day, and I still freeze. I told the head engineer all I wanted for Christmas is heat and he told me my student teacher said to turn the heat down a few weeks ago. Now all I want is heat and a be-be gun. I should say we are lucky because it has been this cold in October before and October and November were nice. But what idiot says, "We are so lucky! It's first day it's 29 degrees below 0 and it's December" HELLOOO!! It's still frickin' 29 degrees BELOW ZERO!! We are not lucky!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Ethan has been so funny lately! I think my favorite age with Noah was 4, but I think I like Ethan's age right now the best. The other night I was cleaning out his backpack and he had a "booklet" he made about things he is thankful for. Page one; "I am thankful for the vacuum because it is sucky and sucks up stuff." Page 2; "I am thankful for God because without him, nothing would be living." Page 3; "I am thankful for my fish because they play with me" These must be secret agent fish, because from what I see, they never leave their tank. They swim, eat and die. The last page said, "I am thankful for my teacher because she gives me fun homework." I love that he likes his teacher, but his mom was no where to be seen in this book. His teacher is right up there with God, the vacuum, and his fish that he frequently forgets to feed and lets die. The next night we were eating supper and looking out the deck door. A huge jackrabbit was on the golf course. The dogs went out on the deck and started barking at it and it jumped really high and fast. It looked like it was flying through the air. I should mention it was a windy night, and when I told the kids, "LOOK AT THE JACKRABBIT!! It's like it's flying!" Ethan told me it was a bag being blown away. The next morning while putting our shoes and coats on to go to school, Ethan said to Noah, "Hey remember last night when mom saw the bunny?" Putting "bunny" in air quotes.
Later that night we were watching some music award show and Ethan said out of no where, "Debbie (my sister) should write songs and sing them, so when she goes on TV and they show her family, I get to be on TV." When I was tucking him in that night I was singing "Let it snow..." He interrupts to say, "Let it snow Santa and Jesus." Then turns to me and asked if they worked together in a partnership. Being the smart-ass I am, I really wanted to say, "Probably not since Santa stole Baby Jesus' birthday celebration from him." But I didn't. I didn't even tell him if you rearrange the letters in Santa, you get Satan. I'll save that for when I feel they need more couch material for their future therapists.
I absolutely love how innocent and hopeful my students are this year. Last week the kids were suppose to give a book presentation on a historical fiction book they've read. They were suppose to make a mobile with drawings and fill in information about the book, such as when/where it took place, who the characters are, what happened at the beginning, middle, and end as well as the problem and solution. I strongly suspected this girl didn't read her book because when I asked what happened in the beginning, she read from her mobile, "Get in the barn, said ma. No I replied. I am too scared to run outside. Get in the barn now said ma..." When I asked her what made this book historical fiction (it was a story set in the time of the civil war), she replied, "It happened in long ago time, like in 1980 or something..." The funny thing is I had a total straight face and glanced at my student teacher who thinks I am older than dirt, and I could tell he was thinking, "1980 WAS a long time ago."
Last Friday my class was having "share time" during morning meeting. One of my students
(girl 1) said, "My dad shot his deer last night, and he's going to donate the hide to habitat for humanity so they can sell it."
Student 2- "What will they do with it, I mean who would they sell it to?"
Student 3- "Oh, you know to the Indians. They'll make a tepee out of it."