Sunday, September 9, 2012

Happy Birthday Ethan

Ethan is 10 years old. I don't have any kids in single digits anymore. I'll only have him for another nine years. I miss him already. I knew at the end the of Summer of 2011, it would be my last summer of my baby and me. This last summer he hung out with me, but I know he secretly wanted to be with his friends. A year ago I was his best friend. Now he tells me Abby and I are neck and neck in the running of his best friend that's a girl. I did remind him that I carried him for nine months and changed his diapers, got up in the middle of the night, and I buy him stuff. But he said Abby is softer. On his birthday we made cupcakes when I got home from school, then he opened his presents. He is getting so grown-up. It makes me sad. I have to remind him that he used to love me so much he said when I die, he'd bury me in the back yard, so he can dig me up every day to see me. Now he says "that's really gross". I thought it was sweet. Every once in awhile I see a snipit of little Ethan. The little "Bonk-O-Zonks" in front of him are one inch plastic figures. He made a tournament of them racing the other night and he was talking for them, to himself, and cheering for them. It made me smile. Ethan is a good kid. He's so sensitive to other people hurting, he's so sweet, and smart and funny. He loves animals and his big brother so much. The other day he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be a vet, or basketball player when he grows up. I told him he should be a pediatrician, and he said, "I really don't like a lot of kids that much..."  Ethan is still my buddy. I love him so much. I'll try to keep him little as long as I can.

Once Again...

I know- I'm wearing too much make-up.
Sometimes Abby doubles as a football.
He's the handsomest 12-year-old I know.
Once again I am wishing my life away. Now that school has started for the boys, we are insanely busy. Ethan has football practice Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights from 6:00- 7:30. A game every other Monday night from 5:00- 7:30 and games Saturday mornings which last two and a half hours. Both boys have Sunday school on Sunday. Noah has Wednesday morning Sunday school for confirmation, along with Wednesday night confirmation activities from 5:30-9:00. He also has practice every day from 4:00 (right when school gets out) until 6:00. Two to three days a week he plays football from 5:30-7:30. So Wednesdays for Noah look like this; Wake up at 7:00. Confirmation 8:00-8:50, school 9:05-3:55, football 4:00-6:00, confirmation 5:30 (yes, I KNOW they overlap) until 9:00. When is the kid supposed to eat or do homework? I know it was our choice to put him in football and confirmation, but it seems like you really can't do both. Also, 7th grade is soo much harder. Noah is in the advanced classes- which again is out choice, but every teacher takes the "half hour of homework each night" as "half hour of homework in every one of your seven classes each night." I just keep thinking, if we can make it through September and into the middle of October we'll be fine. There you go- wishing away my life. I decided to take it one week at a time, but that's still wishing it all away.

I think I am a little autistic. I'm taking an autism class and I read the first chapter and a half. At times, I think it describes me to a tee. I always eat my Skittles in this order; orange, green, red, yellow, blue and then purple- except I leave one orange for last because they are my favorites. I have to eat them in that order because it's complimentary colors. I also eat my vitamin gummies in order too. All of the reds first, then orange, then yellow, then purple. And I have issues with my feet. If I think my feet are at all dirty, sweaty, smelly or sticky, I have to wash them before I climb into bed. I can't wear flip-flops where the shoe strap touches between my toes because it gives me a stomach ache. I also fixate a little on the seem on my socks if it's touching the tips of my toes. When that happens, I can't quit moving my toes. I can't help it. I don't throw a tantrum or anything if I can't have my skittles or vitamins a certain way, but I do know I will have three weeks of bad luck if I eat them in the wrong order, and I could never fall asleep if my feet weren't just right. Another thing- I have to say "The Hail Mary" after I say the Lord's Prayer- even when I'm at my LUTHERAN church, a weeding or a funeral. I think if I don't give Mary her due attention God will send me straight to hell. That may not be an autistic thing but a weird Catholic thing. Some priest probably told me that once. You know them- always wanting to weed out who gets to go to Heaven, as if it'll get too crowded and they won't be allowed in.
Hopefully the next six weeks will go by quickly, my baby will have time to do homework AND confirmation, and my autism class will teach me how to be normal.
Thoughts I think: I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

Monday, September 3, 2012


As I was sitting at Harriett's funeral I noticed something. Light olive green is the new black. To avoid crying I count stuff sometimes, and out of the 67 people at the funeral, 15 of them wore a light shade of olive green, and 11 of the 15 were my relatives. My child was one of them, little did I know I was setting him up to be in fashion. I guess I like green. I like black better because it's slimming, but if I wear it too many days in a row Noah asks me if I am turning "goth", and the gym teacher asks why I am in mourning. Last year I told him I was in "silent protest of the school year". The funeral was nice. They didn't talk about September 11, like at my mom's funeral, or how seven maidens were late for a lunch-on with Jesus therefore were kicked out, like at my grandma's. Both topics were really stupid. Do the priests close their eyes, pick a page in the newspaper or Bible and try to make that one work? My mom was so out of it at the end, she didn't even know 9/11 happened. And my grandma's family is NOTORIOUS for being late every where, so that really one didn't make sense, unless the priest was telling us all "you fools are always late and will be banned from Heaven." Which is not comforting at all. I know what you are all thinking, 'at least being late runs in her family...' See, I really can't help it. It'd be like trying to change my eye color- which actually comes from the other side of the family. Anyway, after the funeral we all drove out to the cemetery in Downer. The cemetery is basically a "family cemetery" where a few neighbor's family members are buried as well. It's at least 2/5 Heng. While we are standing by the casket I look to my left and see my mom's foot stone. She is to the right of Harriett's husband, Johnny. Harriett's hole was not left of her husband. It was on the wrong side of the foot stone. The whole time I am thinking I've got to be wrong, but nope. They dug the wrong hole. They were about to lower the coffin when I leaned over to dad and said, "That's a foot stone, not a head stone. They dug the wrong hole." Dad told Harriett's son that she wouldn't be next to her husband. He said he "didn't care, as long as they are in the same cemetery." Dad talked to the guys who dug the hole, they were actually waiting on the road near by to cover it up- I've never noticed that before. They swore the foot stone was a head stone and started digging as if it were a head stone looking for Johnny. They dug more than seven feet down and didn't hit anything. Then they dug as if the foot stone was a foot stone and found Johnny's vault. After that, they dug the right hole for Harriett. I think I should go paint a big red x as to where dad is supposed to be when the time comes. I didn't go to the lunch-on after because I didn't want to deal with the step-monster. But I heard they served drinks, just like Harriett would have wanted.
Thoughts that I think: If I liked eating a little bit less and exercising a little bit more, I'd like my clothes and going in public more.

Good Bye Aunt Harriett

Today I said good-bye to my aunt Harriett. She lived a long, healthy, happy live. I would love to have half the adventures she had. She had  the most wonderful marriage to the love of her life,  and lived each day to the fullest. She was 92-years-old. It's only been the last few months that she hasn't felt well. She actually wore high heels up until she broke her hip five years ago. She didn't break her hip wearing heals, she broke it taking a picture of the flowers she got on her birthday. Harriett loved to talk. She would talk and talk, then cover her mouth and say, "Oh my, I'm talking too much", but then continue on talking. Her and her husband, Johnny, truly adored each other. Maybe it was because she talked so much, or because she said anything that popped into her head, but she always had knew what to say. When I lost babies, she told me, "It is the most horrible thing in the world. You'll never get over it." Then went on to tell me about the times she lost her newborn babies.It wasn't the politically correct thing to say. It really isn't something I would tell a grieving mother, but it did make me feel better. I realized it could have been worse (even though saying "it could be worse," really is the worst thing you can say), and I'll probably never get over it, but like her I can go on to live a happy live. When my mom died she said, "It's unfair that you are too young. It'll take a long time until it gets better, if ever." At the time I thought 'wow- thanks Harriett', but she was right. You just learn to live on. She was a living example of how you can't let tragedy define you. Nothing slowed her down. A few weeks before she died, she told me she was hoping to go to my cousin's wedding. I think it was a hint that she wanted me to take her. Harriett had something to say about everything, and could to relate to anything you are talking about. She worked at Hornbacher's for years in the meat department, usually handing out samples, and telling people what kind of meat and how much to serve for guests. That is actually kind-of funny, because Harriett always made the same amount of food whether she's cooking for three, or twenty. I bet there were a lot of hungry guests in Moorhead back in the day. When I started working at Hornbacher's, she was thrilled I was at her old stomping grounds, and I knew a lot of the same people. One of the people she knew was 'Alice'. Alice was a sweet, little old lady who gave out meat samples and always washed her dishes in the deli, where I worked. Actually, she didn't wash the dishes, one of us working did it for her as she talked to us. We all thought she was this sweet, tiny lady who couldn't even reach into the bottom of the sink. We loved when Alice came because she would tell us college kids how proud our parents must be and how wonderful we are. One Thanksgiving, Harriett asked me if I knew Alice. I got all excited because I loved Alice, I said, "Yes! She is so sweet!" Harriett replied in her normal tone, "Oh how I hate that woman." It was hilarious. I didn't think Harriett could hate anyone, and it was funny how calmly she said it. Turns out this woman would "steal" all of the good shifts from Harriett, and she would tell the person making the schedule that Harriett wanted her to. When I told Harriett Scott and I were going on a cruise for our honeymoon, she said, "Well I hope that lady doesn't crawl in bed with your guys like she did with Johnny and me." As if there is a lady living on the ship who goes around slipping into bed with people. I have many wonderful memories of her. In the past year, I've lost two uncles, a grandma and Harriett. I cried the night my grandma died, just because things should have been different my whole life with her- it was more out of anger. I cried a little at her funeral, because it reminded me so much of mom's funeral. At my uncles' I was sad. But Harriett's death has hit me the hardest. Of everyone who died, she was the closest. I'll miss her stories, her compliments, her nurturing, her funny ways, and her engaging personality. As she would say, "It'll take a long time to get over it."