Sunday, March 22, 2009
Last night I drank the "magic fat burning potion", so I couldn't take my Ambian. As expected, I woke up at 2:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I tried reading, didn't work, so I tried watching TV. I turned to the channel that has What Not To Wear (by the way, who does that b*tch, Stacy London think SHE is-Joan Rivers?) and Queer Eye for The Straight Guy on it. I think it's channel 8 or 9. Anyway, they had a show on about these three women who were going in to be "made over". They opened with the surgeon talking about one of the women without showing her, "She will of course need an eyebrow lift, upper and lower face lift, liposuction on the cheeks, neck, chin, buttocks, inner and outer thighs, calves, ankles and eyelids, breast augmentation, nose job, tummy tuck, gum tissue recontouring, teeth bleaching, dental veneers, a lip life, botox for her upper lips, hair extensions..." He continued on with the second patient saying much of the same, except adding, "butt implants." WHAT?? Seriously!! You are sucking off the butt of the first woman, give it to her friend! Why would you put extra junk in your trunk? By the time they finally showed the "before" women, I was totally expecting to see a troll, a witch, or the elephant man, but they all looked perfectly average. I would never had said to any of them, "Do you live under the bridge?" "Don't you belong in Michael Jackson's personal museum?" Or shriek, "Throw her in the river and see if she'll float!" They all looked like people I could be friends with, well except the one, she looked pretty bitchy, I am guessing she was the witch. All three were normal. One was proportioned wrong, one was above average weight, and the last one just really needs new make-up and clothes -where is that damn Stacy London when you need her? The "contestants" were to stay at the hospital/ re-hab center for four months without talking to their families at all. One lady was wrapped up like a mummy with drainage tubes coming out from all over, and crying because she was in pain, had an infection, and missed her four-year-old daughter. Her "life-coach" told her to "suck it up! Do you know that thousands of people would love to have your problems right now!" She was begging to talk to her daughter. She couldn't ever cry tears because of all the swelling. I don't understand why Reality TV doesn't let people talk to their families. I don't understand what they are gaining. That show made me ponder what I'd have done and all of the things I hate about my body; my eyebrows (no arch), my used to be favorite- eyes (looks like a freaky cat since I got new corneas), eyelids (droopy), nose (too big), lips (too small) chin (not there, but the fat has a twin making it a double), boobs (too flat), stomach (too fat), hips and butt- (too big) thighs (too big) little toes (smashed toenail in one and broken toenail in the other, so it never grows out) Oh- and teeth- (too yellow and crooked). I think I got it all. I like my knees and wrists, both of which will probably bring me arthritis in years to come. I am not against teeth whitening at all, but I think it is over done to the point that unless you whiten your teeth, you look like Austin Powers. I met a substitute teacher whose teeth were so white they glowed with a weird blue color, I wondered if my corneas could take it. Of course she couldn't understand a word I was saying because I was saying it all behind my hand covering my teeth. I see commercials for teeth whitening products and the people are always working out, doing jumping jacks, and running, all saying "I'm whitening my teeth!" Actually if it were accurate, it's be "I'mb white- ten-ing my sees." I don't want to work out, so why can't they have a teeth whitener that works while you are sitting on your ass watching Desperate Housewives? While watching my late night TV, I found out there are all kinds of pantyhose you can buy. I don't wear pantyhose, but I realized I am missing out. You can get pantyhose that will reduce your cellulite- that's a load of crap! Some pantyhose have caffeine injected into them. Why? Are they cranky abut having to get up in the morning? Apparently they make you feel better while wearing them. In that case they should inject them with Vicodin or Zoloft. There is also age defying pantyhose. I love the idea of having defiant pantyhose getting all worked up over every little thing like the Loreal Age Defying spokeswoman Andy something. That made me giggle a bit because all I could think of during that commercial was getting pulled over and saying, "What's that officer, you say I was speeding? We'll see what my pantyhose has to say about THAT, mister!" The slogan is "Let your pantyhose work for you." I can't think of anything better than taking a break and letting the pantyhose teach my third grade class. They actually might listen better to the spunky hose than they do to me. I cried twice during the "make-over" show. Once because the mummy missed her little girl and once because the best looking of the three said she came on the show because her husband wouldn't go out in public during the day with her anymore. Really? That sounds more like a husband problem, I hope she gets beautiful and dumps his sorry ass! Anyway, at the end we see the families reunite after the "make-over". The woman's whose husband was embarrassed to be seen with her looked like a dumb bumpkin. I could be his surgeon and say, "he needs some teeth, a haircut, some lessons on using shampoo, a shirt that doesn't say "I'm with stupid"..." I could have spent that hour sleeping, but instead I spent it examining my physical flaws. I wonder if the fat- burning solution was working being I was awake? I knew I'd be tired today. Good thing I paid for the overnight rush on those age-defying pantyhose!!