Saturday, November 21, 2009

I Miss My Mom

This time of year has been kind of sucky for me for the past eight years. My mom's birthday was in the fall, she died in the middle of November, and Thanksgiving was three days after we buried her. It's been eight years. I never thought I'd miss her less, but I thought it'd be easier by now. It's not really easier, I think I just have gotten used to it. I still think about her every day. When I have issues and need to talk to someone, or ask about my health history, or her health history, I wish she was here. She had a brain aneurysm when I was eighteen, so it's not like she'd be able to give solid advice, but she'd always be in my corner and that's really what we all need. I wonder what she'd think of her grandchildren? I wonder if she'd be proud of me? I think the fact that my relationship completely changed with my dad makes me miss her more. Dad got remarried five years ago. Although I am glad he is happy, I miss him too because since he got married he wants to pretend the 40 years before his new marriage didn't exist, and when his kids and grandchildren keep showing up that's hard to do. Weeks will go by without talking to him. Months will go by without him seeing me or the kids. He's forgotten mine, my sister's, Noah's and Ethan's birthdays. It sucks because even though I am a grown-up, I still feel like I need a parent. I always wanted my children to have a special grandparent/grandchild bond, but they don't. I wonder if they will ever feel cheated?

No comments: