Monday, April 5, 2010


Lately I've been feeling old. I watched a commercial where Addy McDowel tells us "You'll be proud to say your age, if you use this product..." and it goes to a "50-year-old woman who looks 30". That's 20 years younger. It's never crossed my mind that maybe she really is 28 and just saying she's 50, so I bought the product. I can't say I look like a teenager. I play this game with myself and the Sunday paper. I did it when I was thinking I'd be an old maid- even though I got married very young. Back then I'd look at the engagements and look for people who were older than me (to give me hope that I won't die alone as a barren woman). Now, I still play the game just to see if people my age- or older, still find true love. The way you play it is, everyone you see and think "Oh! They are older than me!" you read their announcement. I first scan to see when they graduated high school/ college. Six out of six that "qualified" for the "they are older than me" round were not. In fact two of them graduated from Fargo South in 2004, which technically would make them old enough to be my first students!! Do I look that old? I realized this year, I am no longer considered the "young" teachers, but one of the "old hags." I completely skipped the "middle of the road". Last year I was young. This year, I am old. I have more than likely lived over half my life already, yet I feel like I've haven't done that much. I spent a great deal of it looking for the damn "blue handled scissors" that never existed, and now I spend it looking for Andy Panda's pencils. When I look at the "old" teachers- who really aren't that old but think they are, and think of my mom who thought she was old when she was 30, I notice they are feeble. They can't carry in their own school bags- that's on WHEELS, so they make their husbands do it. They can't be expected to teach (not even a classroom of kids, but short little classes that are constantly canceled) AND be responsible for calling Jimmy Jon's to put in an order of subs because "that's too stressful". So they take the morning off from seeing classes to get the order ready. They think microwavable soup is a "new wonderful creation" and they read the directions on how to make it out loud just so you know it's easy. They are scared of technology and think all of the students are out to get them. Then I look at me. Yesterday the backs of my knees hurt so much from playing basketball with the boys on Saturday, I could barely walk. It even crossed my mind to make Noah carry in my purse to church. Last year, I was sure the fifth graders at my school were out to get me. I don't use the TV in my classroom because I think if I touch it, it will fall from the ceiling!! My students asked me how old I was the other day, when i told them to guess one kid said "60" one said "21". After I reminded her that I would have only been 17 when I taught her in Kindergarten, she said maybe I was 25, but this is the girl who tells her ma, "she don't like it when you says ax." Oh well. I better go put some Ben Gay on my achy knees before I put on my "house shoes".
Thoughts I think: Kids like April Fools jokes. They really think it's funny when you tell them you're taking them to Disney Land and then drive to an old abandoned parking lot of a burned down warehouse and say, "damn, Disney Land burned down..." They'll cry and cry, but deep down, they'll think it's a good April Fools joke.

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