My Trip to the Doctor

I went to the doctor the other day because I got hives while visiting my brother in Nebraska. Not a big fan of Nebraska, my brother, Paul, told me I was allergic to Nebraska, or their water. My hives were way worse after a shower, so maybe Paul had a point. I also had terrible heartburn. I've only had heartburn once and that was while suffering a bad hang-over from poisoned beer and a night of eating deep-fried pickles. Apparently I rolled the dice with my digestive track and lost. While leaving Nebraska I was sure I'd get better. I didn't. If anything it was worse. When I got home I made an appointment to see my doctor-  which was set for a week and a day later. I assured the receptionist I was going crazy and she put me on the "cancellation list" as well as ordered a psych eval. I learned not to tell people in the medical profession that "I am going crazy and it is an insanely short trip". So I waited my week and a day and went to the doctor. Unfortunately, my hives were gone. Even after a hot shower. I went in with the nurse. I was weighed, had my blood pressure and temperature taken. Then she asked, "Have you gained weight in the last 6 months?" I'm thinking, 'You have my records in front of you smart-ass.'  "Do you take your medication regularly?" 'Duh. I didn't run out the door crying when you weighed me, or yelled when you rubbed it in by asking if I gained weight. I kept my mean thoughts in my head now.'  "Do you feel safe in your home?" 'Why? Is there a bugler? a gas leak? a tiger? An evil step mother?' I expected her to ask again if I take my medication. "Do you menstruate?" REALLY?? 'I am in my 30's. Do I look THAT old?' "Do you know what caused your hives?" 'No. I was hoping you would. If I knew, I'd stop using it.'  Turns out it was something I ate. The hives stay in your system for 14 days and I probably had hives in my throat causing heartburn. Or it's all old age. My left wrist and right shoulder hurt, but I wanted to tackle one problem at a time. Stay tuned for my next blog called, "You know those women who have it all? The perfect marriage, perfect kids, cook nutritional delicious meals three times a day, has an immaculate house, several friends, and a full-time job, all while weighing 105 pounds? Well, I wish I could get some of them to do stuff for me."

Old People

I ran into a mean old lady at the grocery store today. Actually she ran into me- literally. I was at the check-out, using my patience, because the "new guy" can't find the UPC codes as quickly as the veterans and this old lady came down the checker aisle at me and ran into me HARD with her cart. I thought, 'oh, old people can't judge distance- she didn't mean to', so I half smiled at her. She gave me a dirty look and said, "What the hell are you smilin' at? Pay for your damn groceries and get the hell out of my way!" Seriously? If it were a kid talking like that I'd say, "Do you kiss your grandma with that dirty mouth?" But this WAS grandma! I have old aunts, I had an old grandma, they would NEVER do that. Now I'll probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder like I do when I go to Target. One time when I was at Target pregnant with Ethan and had Noah in the cart I said, "Excuse me" to a crazy lady who left her cart parked in the middle of the laundry soap aisle, and she yelled, "You're RUDE!" Everyone stared at me and my poor child and my pregnant belly and thought 'great- rude people SHOULD pro-create.' Since then I never say "excuse me" (especially in Target) if someone is in the way. I just sit and wait for them to move. Now I'll have to bring body armor for the left side of my body when I go to CashWise. I understand if she's just generally crabby. She probably has aches and pains, can't see well, hear well, get around well, and is hot. But I didn't order the weather! Why take it out on me? I have hives, heartburn, itchy foot, sprained wrist, sore shoulder, and I'm hot, but I didn't yell at her. Mean old lady. I bet she was a mean lady before she was old. She needs a cat. Old ladies who collect cats are not mean at all. Crazy? Maybe. Never mean.  

Thoughts I think:  If trees could scream, would we be so careless about cutting them down? I think we might,  especially if they screamed all the time without a good reason. 

Commercials

Since I'm home for the the summer I've been watching more TV.  I've found some disturbing commercials. The worst is the one for Vagisil. The woman in the commercial says, "Who knew your period and sex can change the pH balance in your vagina?" She goes on to tell the viewers they can use Vagisil for their itchy vagina. Really? REALLY. I don't want my 9-year-old thinking about periods, sex or vaginas. That is exactly why I canceled Showtime. Every time that commercial comes I stare straight ahead as in deep thought, or more likely, pretend to be sleeping because I can feel Ethan staring at me wondering what a period has to do with itching, sex and vaginas. I dodged the bullet for a month, but finally today I didn't bring on my fake narcolepsy quickly enough and I got a "Mom, I don't get that commercial." I just shrugged and muttered "Me either." They should change the commercial to a woman sitting on a bench squirming, reaching into her purse for some Vagisil, then sitting comfortably on the bench. Does the general public need to know their pH balance causes itchiness? No. Also, if you don't know why she's squirming on the bench, you either don't have a vagina, or you don't need Vagisil. 

The second worse is a couple sitting naked in a bathtub in the woods for Viagra. "There comes a time in all men's lives where they need a little extra help. Get some Viagra" and apparently get it on in a bathtub in the woods. Which, by the way would make the woman need some Vagisil.  It also shows inappropriate public displays of affection with his partner. Really? I'd be like, "Just because you took a pill, you can't all of a sudden get all handy because it suits you all of a sudden." Once again, I feel Ethan staring at me wondering 'What do men need help with? Carrying the bathtub back to the bathroom?' Both of these commercials are on the Animal Planet station! That's a kids station. What's next? Condom commercials on the Disney Channel? 

My third least favorite is the one for Pillow Pets that light up. It shows toddlers and preschoolers running to their rooms to sleep. Seriously? It's totally lying to parents, especially sleep deprived parents who are more eager to fall for their brain-washing. The commercial shows the kids in bed with the light up Pillow Pet that shines stars and a big face of the pet on the wall. Ethan said he wouldn't fall asleep because he'd want to stay awake to look at the stars. I said I wouldn't go to sleep because if I did, the ladybug on the wall will eat me. Why don't they show the REAL scenario from behind the scenes when shooting the commercial. The toddler yells, "MOMMMY! The lion will eat me." Mom removes the lion. Toddler wants a drink, then to go to the bathroom, then another story, then to be tucked in again, then ONE more hug, then the dumb stuffed animal which doubles as a pillow. Mom brings it back. "MoMMMy! I don't like the lions mane. It's itchy." Mom brings in some Vagisil... See the glow-in-the-dark pillow pet just add to the madness of bedtime. 

Thoughts that I Think"

I have proof drinking beer is much more fun than exercising. No one at the gym has ever been told at the end of the night, "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." 

Strapped For Cash? Try Cat Whispering

During the past week, I have been stripping wallpaper. It turns out it isn't as exotic and fun as it sounds. I even tried to make it into a little game by rewarding myself with a beer after each two foot strip removed. It worked for two days, then I realized I could drink beer whenever I wanted and I wouldn't have the sore wrist and shoulder. As I was stripping the wallpaper I thought, "I need a summer hobby. Perhaps becoming a cat whisperer." I've been watching this show on TV called Dogs in the City which is about a guy in New York who counsels people about what to do with their out of control dogs. I was thinking about the show when I came up with the best idea ever. What if I did Cats in the City- the city being the metropolis of Fargo-Moorhead. I toyed with the idea of being a pet psychic for years, but that would imply I'd be willing to work with any pet, which would be untrue. I don't like birds, they are evil flying rats. Obviously I don't like mice or rats. Or any type or rodent actually. They are rodents. They want to gnaw on things and climb. I'd have to tell the owners, "Your rat is worried he will become snake food. Or have to wear mascara in his eyes." I also don't like ferrets which are really weasels. They smell bad and are sneaky. Don't even get me started on snakes. I wouldn't even come within 500 yards of them. So basically, the only pets I'd work with are cats, dogs, fish, (pet fish-not lake fish) and rabbits. Therefore, I came up with my idea of cat whispering. All you'd have to do is tell the owners what they want to hear, or what is painfully obvious. Costumer- "Boots cries when I leave." I'd tell them, "Boots tells me she misses you terribly during the day. Is there any way you can work from home, or buy her a cat sill so she can look outside?" Costumer- "Fluffy hisses at my new boyfriend.." I would say, "Fluffy doesn't like to share your attention," or if I wanted to mess with them I'd say, "Fluffy is very perceptive and knows this guy is not for you." Costumer- "Tabby doesn't like the new baby, kitten, dog, etc..." I would say, "Tabby tells me she wanted to be an only child." Costumer- "Sassy keeps hiding." Me- "Sassy hides because that is not his real name, and TOM doesn't like when you dress him up in pink baby sleepers." I would even let people communicate with their dead cats, "I'm getting the felling Muffin is with us now. Muffin tells me he is in a better place. It's the cat lady's house down the block. He eats liver and tuna for every meal. Muffin also wants you to know it wasn't him who kept peeing in the laundry basket- it was the dog. Oh and he wants you to give me a big tip." See I would totally be a natural! 

Thoughts that I think: People who go camping must like to pretend they are homeless.  

My Pets

Well I took all three dogs to the vet. Actually Sam got to go by himself two weeks before the other two because he had an ear infection. Abby was not a fan of this plan. She pouted and punished us by hiding for three days for not bringing her along. Sam was very well behaved, and our estimated "16 pound dog" (so says the liquor store dog peddler) is really 48 pounds. I have a student who weighs less than him. He had his check-up, shots and other than the ear infection, he's perfectly healthy. He was scared of the kitten peeking around the corner and he had to hide behind me though. Who would have thought the free-liquor-store dog would be the best behaved, and most healthy? I brought Max and Abby to the vet last week. Abby was not a good puppy. She whined, peed on the floor, and carried on. She is a whopping 17.5 pounds. Since she is suppose to be closer to 12 pounds, she's quite over-weight. Her teeth are awful. She has to be knocked out to get them cleaned, x-rayed and some pulled. She also has cataracts. Not to self- Before buying a dog that costs more than the house and car payment added together, you should really do your homework and find out the parent's health. But hey- we don't even know WHAT Sam's parents were and he's healthy as a horse! Abby-is sicker than a...well- dog. So poor Abby has to go on a diet, and get her teeth cleaned. Max was pretty well behaved. He just wanted to hide under my chair and wouldn't take the treat from the vet, "My mama says don't take treats from strangers" says Maxie. He's over-weight too. He is 21.3 pounds and he should be 16. Poor Maxie. He also has to be knocked out and have his teeth cleaned too, but not pulled thank goodness. So, for three days I had the dogs on a diet. They got three cups of food, and given 15 minutes to eat in the morning and 15 to eat for supper. Usually they get four cups of food to graze on all day. The food rationing was NOT a good idea. Apparently you shouldn't put dogs who can catch their own food on a diet. Sam caught a bird. By the time we realized it, only feet and head were left. Now I have to treat them all for worms. I should have known better. When Sammy was less than a year old, he caught a squirrel and brought it into the house and dropped it at my feet- then ran to hide when I screamed bloody murder. That same summer he caught a bird and carried it around the back-yard as if it were some great prize.

 "I thought you were done with that pizza. "

"I too drunk to exercise mama"

"Pick me! Pick ME!"

This morning Maxie peed IN my school bag. I wonder if it's his way of telling me he hates the sight of that bag- it means he'll be locked up and lonely for 8 hours, or he was sick of me paying too much attention to the books in it and not enough attention to him.

Thoughts I think: "This is the most flattering, comfortable bra." Said no woman. Ever.

Older

Today on Facebook one of my friends posted photos of his mother's retirement from my Alma Mater, Atkinson Elementary. He had pictures of all of my old elementary teachers, I use the word old literally.  Good Lord they are OLD!! I didn't even recognize most of them. I could see a shell of their younger self, if I squinted and looked at it in my peripheral vision. My third grade teacher is of course 30-years-older, but I could not pick her out in a crowd. However, finding the librarian was spot on! Mrs. Majaka was 107 thirty years ago, and she still is. The man who I thank silently (out loud if I'm alone) for teaching me to drive every time I parallel park looks much too old to drive a car now. My favorite elementary teacher, Mr. Kragness, looks so old I would never pick him out in a crowd- or in the nursing home. Even my "almost mother-in-law" was unrecognizable. Maybe it was just because she didn't have her hands out like she was about to choke me to death. How could they have aged so much in the last 20 years? I didn't. I also don't understand how soap opera actors/actresses don't age. Seriously! Victor Newman was old when I was a small child, 30 years later, he is still having babies! Mrs. Chancellor was "old lady Chancellor in 1980- she's still alive. Maybe her and Mrs. Majaka drink from the same fountain of youth.Not all actors are as lucky. Danny Romalotti was super hot when I was five-years-old, but now he's a very creepy looking 60-year-old. I don't understand why people have to age so dramatically. I think you should be able to pick an age in looks and "lock it in". I would have picked 33. Or 19. I was thinner at 19, but my school picture at the age of 33 is my favorite. When I was at my uncles funeral last weekend, I kept looking at everyone and thinking, "when was it that you got so old?" My cousins tell me I should still be 6-years-old (they are much older than me), I look at them and think 'when did you turn into your dad?' It's like one day I woke up and boom! Every one is bald, wrinkly, and grey. Weird.
Thoughts that I think:
I want a new dog so I can name him "Stay". I'll say, "come here Stay" and he will get all confused. :)

Describe Your Relationship With Your Parents

Well, I've been avoiding this question since I copied it down from a friend's blog. In one word, I'd say that word would be "complicated". It's difficult to have a relationship with my mom without being the creepy guy in Psycho. I still wish I could talk to her- and she'd answer back. I write a letter to her every year and bring it to the cemetery. I miss my mom a lot. I wish I knew at the time of her death that I am more like her than I wanted to admit. I little bit of me always hoped I was adopted, or found on the side of the road. This weekend I was in Barnesville and saw the mother of my neighbor friend growing up. She knows both my mom and dad's sides of the family. I know she thinks I inherited all of the bad traits from both sides, something I also was convinced of until about a year ago. As I talked to her about her kids my mom's very words echoed in my head, "trust her just as far as you can throw her..." I had to giggle a little knowing she was right. Growing up I would always be sad when mean girls were nasty to me and mom would say, "who cares. If they don't like you, you don't need them." At the time I was angry because she wasn't even trying to understand me. Now I realize what she was saying because I say the same thing to my kids. My mom loved to read and was really smart. I got that from her. She would never sit still, always had to be doing something. I got that from her too. She might not have been the perfect mom, but she taught me what, along with what not, to do. When Noah was born she was very, very sick. In fact she didn't know why I was in the hospital, or who the baby was when they came to see us. I felt so cheated. How was she supposed to teach me to be a mom. Then I realized she did. For 28 years. I still miss her every day. I wonder what she would tell me. I wonder if she's watching me live my life and what she thinks. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized by just being her, she made my dad a much better person. She made him appreciate his kids and grandchild. She made him empathetic, caring, and thoughtful. Now he is not. Now he's very much like his new wife; easily offended, self-centered and basically doesn't want anything to do with me, my sister or my children. He actually told Noah on his birthday, "This is the last year I'll like you." (being he's 12 and dad doesn't like teen-agers). What a dumb thing to say. It would be different if they had a relationship, but coming from someone whom you suspect doesn't like you in the first place? He's blown off all of our birthdays. He lives 20 minutes away and I get invited to his house once a year. We DO NOT go there uninvited. All of us learned that the hard way. For a long time I thought I did something wrong, or the boys (at the ages of 2 and 4) did something wrong. I know he's the one who is missing out, but it really feels like the boys and I am. Noah and Ethan constantly ask me why grandpa doesn't like them. Noah asked if he would be a different person if grandpa still liked him. That breaks my heart. I've tried talking to him about it, but his wife is screeching in the back-ground, "What's wrong with her? Is she crazy like her mother?!" I also know if I talk to him, he'd never understand where I am coming from. So there you have it. I'll leave you with... Wait for it...

Thought of the day: Student, "Why do we have to learn synonyms?" Me- "When you can't spell a word, you can think of one you CAN spell."