Well, I've been avoiding this question since I copied it down from a friend's blog. In one word, I'd say that word would be "complicated". It's difficult to have a relationship with my mom without being the creepy guy in Psycho. I still wish I could talk to her- and she'd answer back. I write a letter to her every year and bring it to the cemetery. I miss my mom a lot. I wish I knew at the time of her death that I am more like her than I wanted to admit. I little bit of me always hoped I was adopted, or found on the side of the road. This weekend I was in Barnesville and saw the mother of my neighbor friend growing up. She knows both my mom and dad's sides of the family. I know she thinks I inherited all of the bad traits from both sides, something I also was convinced of until about a year ago. As I talked to her about her kids my mom's very words echoed in my head, "trust her just as far as you can throw her..." I had to giggle a little knowing she was right. Growing up I would always be sad when mean girls were nasty to me and mom would say, "who cares. If they don't like you, you don't need them." At the time I was angry because she wasn't even trying to understand me. Now I realize what she was saying because I say the same thing to my kids. My mom loved to read and was really smart. I got that from her. She would never sit still, always had to be doing something. I got that from her too. She might not have been the perfect mom, but she taught me what, along with what not, to do. When Noah was born she was very, very sick. In fact she didn't know why I was in the hospital, or who the baby was when they came to see us. I felt so cheated. How was she supposed to teach me to be a mom. Then I realized she did. For 28 years. I still miss her every day. I wonder what she would tell me. I wonder if she's watching me live my life and what she thinks. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized by just being her, she made my dad a much better person. She made him appreciate his kids and grandchild. She made him empathetic, caring, and thoughtful. Now he is not. Now he's very much like his new wife; easily offended, self-centered and basically doesn't want anything to do with me, my sister or my children. He actually told Noah on his birthday, "This is the last year I'll like you." (being he's 12 and dad doesn't like teen-agers). What a dumb thing to say. It would be different if they had a relationship, but coming from someone whom you suspect doesn't like you in the first place? He's blown off all of our birthdays. He lives 20 minutes away and I get invited to his house once a year. We DO NOT go there uninvited. All of us learned that the hard way. For a long time I thought I did something wrong, or the boys (at the ages of 2 and 4) did something wrong. I know he's the one who is missing out, but it really feels like the boys and I am. Noah and Ethan constantly ask me why grandpa doesn't like them. Noah asked if he would be a different person if grandpa still liked him. That breaks my heart. I've tried talking to him about it, but his wife is screeching in the back-ground, "What's wrong with her? Is she crazy like her mother?!" I also know if I talk to him, he'd never understand where I am coming from. So there you have it. I'll leave you with... Wait for it...
Thought of the day: Student, "Why do we have to learn synonyms?" Me- "When you can't spell a word, you can think of one you CAN spell."
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