Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I Am Middle Aged

In the last 9 months I've lost three relatives. Two uncles and a grandma, and I'm about to lose another uncle because he's knockin' on death's door. I know people get old and die. But as I get older, my concept of "old" gets older and older. Time changes too. When I think of 10 years ago I say "Oh it was 1996 and Forrest Gump just came out"... Except 10 years ago was 2002 and I had a 2-year-old and was pregnant.  I remember thinking 30 was old, and that wasn't long ago at all. For the past ten years, I've used my dad's current age as the sliding scale of "old" because he can't be old. Ten years ago he was 66, so 68 was old. Now he is 77 and I've decided 90 is "old". Maybe it's the reality of my dad ageing and I don't want to face his impending end. He can't die until at least ten years after his wife dies. I have to 1) say my peace to him, and 2) live in the bliss of his realization of ignoring his lovely daughter and awesome grandsons, and his redemption to earn our forgiveness. I can't do either of those until she kicks the bucket. I was not close to my uncle, Lloyd, who died but it's really bothering me. Lloyd was a "loner", and they expect 30 people at his funeral. That scares the shit out of me. I worry, and strongly suspect, if I were to die tomorrow 30 people wouldn't come to my funeral. If it was during Superbowl weekend the three people I live with wouldn't even come. It just makes me so sad. A whole life and only 30 people to celebrate it. My dad and Lloyd didn't get along because my uncle thought he was a better dancer than dad. It also bothers me that dad doesn't have "time to think about" his brother's death because his wife's grandson is getting married in two weeks. I really hope when I die, my siblings aren't too busy thinking about a wedding they will attend to think about my death. I've never claimed to be a better dancer than either one of them, but we all know I'm probably a better dancer than Paul. What if I died? Would dad be too busy thinking about Brenden's wedding to contemplate his daughter's life? A whole life and it only impacted 30 people? My former students might come to my funeral, but I bet more of them would go to the cemetery to spit/dance on my grave.
It's been a long two days at school and home. It doesn't help that I have cramps so bad they could bring a grown man to his knees, and a horrible headache to go along with it. I also am convinced I had to have gained at least 12 pounds in the last week. Nothing I own is comfortable or looks decent.
On the plus side- the kitty came back!! Ethan said we can't call him Small Skinny Kitty because "it takes to long to say". So I am calling him Pretty Kitty and Ethan calls him Lightning. He answers "Merow" to either. Ethan finally got to pet him. He purred for Ethan, but purred louder for me. Ethan wants to make him a "cat house" outside. He actually wants to start it tomorrow right after school. Noah still thinks we need to "stop touching the flea infested, rabid cat."


Debbie said...

I hope you know your brother and sister will always be with you in life and to celebrate your life and mourn your death. You know how dramatic I get when it comes to you. I used to constantly check on you when you were a baby to make sure "you were still breathing", held my arm out whenever I was driving and came to a stop light to protect you, until you pointed out that you were now thirty years old and could brace yourself if need be. And let's not forget your wedding. I sobbed so much I left wet kleenxes at the alter. When Noah was born I called you four and five times a day!

Debbie said...

Wait a minute I just had a thought. I am older than you. I should be worried about you attending my funeral!